No cake for me

It is my birthday today. No birthday cake here. I know this may get me some scolding from the slippery slope crowd, but I am having a special birthday diet coke. It sounds so much better than cake to me.
I wrote before about drive thru eating, and how I had done it, but it wasn't that good. I felt like it wasn't a real temptation to me. I really think that is true. Other than convenience, I am not drawn to it at all. I think there can be room in a post op life for an occasional chesseburger. No way could I eat it all, or even half the bread at this point. I think the goal for me with the surgery was to be normal about food, not let it rule my life. I was wrong it still does, but in a different way. The point is normal people have an occasional cheeseburger. Isn't that what I should be stiving for. Not a cheeseburger, but a normal relationship with food. Food addiction isn't like other addictions. You don't have to drink, or smoke crack to live. I can't abstain from food, so shouldn't I strive to have a normal relationship with it?

I just can't firgure this stuff out.

Having wls feels like a full time job at times. Some days I am sure it is a job I would get fired from, at least written up. I am not in a good place right now. I am very angry. I try to keep it in, but I feel it oozing out of me. It is almost infectious this anger. I have no idea where it comes from. What I do know is I can't swallow along with a plate of pasta.

What soothes you?

I didn't realize how much I soothed myself with food until I couldn't do it anymore. It is so easy in a stressful moment to shove something in your mouth and feel better. The convenience
of food can not be replaced by a hot shower, a brief walk, or even a cup of tea. What do you do, in the moment? I am having a heck of a day with a sick kid that isn't mine. Taking care of others children is so hard, especially sick ones. On top of all the other stress I am at a loss. I have had to go off all my medications recently, and I am not doing great with out them. I was taking mirapex, for restless leg syndrome, and I can't get a restful nights sleep most nights without it. So that is my question, what does a food soother do when they can't soothe with food?

Hospital food

My mom has finally gotten a diagnosis. It is acute thyroiditis. I know, it sounds made up, but it is a real thing. It is am infection of her thyroid. They don't know if it is viral or bacterial, but she seems to be on the mend. There was a scary heart situation this evening. The medicine did it's job, and she is resting fairly comfortably. The doctor hasn't seen this in over three years, and said he wished she were on the teaching rounds. I, for one, am glad she is not. She doesn't need more poking then necessary. I hate the whole teaching hospital thing. Way to make a person feel like a circus freak, or zoo animal. Anyway, I feel as though her weight was somewhat of a hindrance to her diagnosis. It was as if they couldn't believe it wasn't related to that. I think that is why they were so quick to say congestive heart failure. I have experience being obese and in a hospital, and it is no fun. I constantly had the urge to apologize to the people that had to see me. It is humiliating enough to be there, and so vulnerable and exposed, but add to that the feeling you are disgusting and forget it. Maybe they don't mean to make you feel that way, it could be all in your head. Does that matter though? I don't think so.
The point of this post is this, why do they serve so much junk and high fat, high calorie food in hospitals. Medical professionals are the first to tell people to diet and exercise, so then why is it the vending machines had not one healthy choice. The cafeteria served pizza, chicken fingers, and burgers. Sure they had a salad bar, but it was sub par at best. You would think it would be the easiest place to eat healthy, but it isn't. There wasn't even so much as a string cheese for a quick protein snack. I guess no matter where you are you have to be prepared.

Easter Candy

I know I have been neglecting my blog, but things have been crazy around here. We went to Tennessee, and brought Kacey home with us for spring break. She had a great time (I think). LaRita lost her mind. It was a long week with her. She was miserable to us. I think part of it was showing off for her friend, she is 14. LaRita was so hateful, and full of attitude she didn't even go with us to take Kacey home. Things are calmed now. It was a hard week food wise. We did a lot of running around, and I made many bad choices. Things I thought I could get away with, but I couldn't, and I spent too much time sick in the bathroom. I get it, and I am on track now. I am logging all my food on the daily plate and being careful, and conscious of what I put in my mouth. It is a learning process, this new life. I sometimes get A's and B's, but last week I would say I earned a solid D.
Easter was the big launch service for our church the connection. Due to a poor choice of eating chips in the car on the road trip the day before, I spent 20 minutes in the bathroom sick in the morning. This made us run late, and since I was in charge of the bagels, not a good thing. I was just in super beyotch mode by the time we got there. I got all the bagels out, but almost got into fisticuffs with an old lady and a kindergartner in the process. I know Happy Easter, right. So, after the service we went to my sister Cathie's house and found out my dad had taken my mom to the hospital. She is still there, and they still don't know what is wrong with her. She seems to have some sort of viral infection. Her neck and chest are red and swollen. It is causing her a lot of pain and some trouble breathing. She is now on 3 different antibiotics, and they finally gave her an anti inflammatory that is making her more comfortable. She got a roommate yesterday, so no one could stay overnight with her. It was scary for a while and they were throwing around the idea of congestive heart failure. I think they don't think that anymore.
Okay to the point. I didn't fill my kids baskets with Easter candy this year. I got a little, but no one here needs it right. I got Gray toys and bubbles, LaRita got jewelry and magazines. I thought I was so smart. We wouldn't have a ton of candy in the house. That was before we went to Cathie's and she had filled like 200 eggs with candy for the hunt. Luckily, Gray isn't much of a hunter. We still have more candy in the house than I would like. Then Chris and the kids shopped yesterday and brought home more. WTF. Candy isn't a weakness in the way that I would buy it, but if it's here I want it. I have to learn no. I can't ban it from the house, because I had the surgery, they didn't. I just don't get why he had to spend more on candy when we already had some here.

I'm home

I did okay this weekend on my trip. Not as well as I had hoped I would do, but better than it could have been. There were way too many snack foods available. I ate too many of them. It is stuff that I would never have in my house. I took my greek yogurt and ate it, and even had a protein shake. We had pizza last night, but I only had a piece. I threw most of it up because it got stuck. I am going to the gym in the morning, and logging on daily plate again. This is a work in progress, and I wish I were doing better. I know it is up to me, and I can do it. I think I could have done a lot worse this weekend, and I need to hold onto that, not beat myself up for what I did eat. I know some people feel there is no room for those types of missteps, but is that really realistic?

Road Trip

So, what does one do one a road trip when they can't eat junk? Is it even possible for me to go on one with out the delicious goodness of fake cheese filled pretzels, in a little snack food called a combo? I guess I will soon find out. I am taking the kids to Tennessee this weekend. We are going to help my cousin, and visit. We will also be very near Lambert's, home of the throwed rolls. Can I go and introduce Gray to the buttery decadence of a hot roll thrown right into your waiting paw, without eating myself sick? Lambert's is also home to the ridiculously larger portions. How do you pass the time in a hotel room if you can't eat cheetos and read tabloids. Are they even readable without orange smudges on the anorexic models pictures?
I'll find out and let ya know Monday.