No cake for me

It is my birthday today. No birthday cake here. I know this may get me some scolding from the slippery slope crowd, but I am having a special birthday diet coke. It sounds so much better than cake to me.
I wrote before about drive thru eating, and how I had done it, but it wasn't that good. I felt like it wasn't a real temptation to me. I really think that is true. Other than convenience, I am not drawn to it at all. I think there can be room in a post op life for an occasional chesseburger. No way could I eat it all, or even half the bread at this point. I think the goal for me with the surgery was to be normal about food, not let it rule my life. I was wrong it still does, but in a different way. The point is normal people have an occasional cheeseburger. Isn't that what I should be stiving for. Not a cheeseburger, but a normal relationship with food. Food addiction isn't like other addictions. You don't have to drink, or smoke crack to live. I can't abstain from food, so shouldn't I strive to have a normal relationship with it?

I just can't firgure this stuff out.

Having wls feels like a full time job at times. Some days I am sure it is a job I would get fired from, at least written up. I am not in a good place right now. I am very angry. I try to keep it in, but I feel it oozing out of me. It is almost infectious this anger. I have no idea where it comes from. What I do know is I can't swallow along with a plate of pasta.

What soothes you?

I didn't realize how much I soothed myself with food until I couldn't do it anymore. It is so easy in a stressful moment to shove something in your mouth and feel better. The convenience
of food can not be replaced by a hot shower, a brief walk, or even a cup of tea. What do you do, in the moment? I am having a heck of a day with a sick kid that isn't mine. Taking care of others children is so hard, especially sick ones. On top of all the other stress I am at a loss. I have had to go off all my medications recently, and I am not doing great with out them. I was taking mirapex, for restless leg syndrome, and I can't get a restful nights sleep most nights without it. So that is my question, what does a food soother do when they can't soothe with food?

Hospital food

My mom has finally gotten a diagnosis. It is acute thyroiditis. I know, it sounds made up, but it is a real thing. It is am infection of her thyroid. They don't know if it is viral or bacterial, but she seems to be on the mend. There was a scary heart situation this evening. The medicine did it's job, and she is resting fairly comfortably. The doctor hasn't seen this in over three years, and said he wished she were on the teaching rounds. I, for one, am glad she is not. She doesn't need more poking then necessary. I hate the whole teaching hospital thing. Way to make a person feel like a circus freak, or zoo animal. Anyway, I feel as though her weight was somewhat of a hindrance to her diagnosis. It was as if they couldn't believe it wasn't related to that. I think that is why they were so quick to say congestive heart failure. I have experience being obese and in a hospital, and it is no fun. I constantly had the urge to apologize to the people that had to see me. It is humiliating enough to be there, and so vulnerable and exposed, but add to that the feeling you are disgusting and forget it. Maybe they don't mean to make you feel that way, it could be all in your head. Does that matter though? I don't think so.
The point of this post is this, why do they serve so much junk and high fat, high calorie food in hospitals. Medical professionals are the first to tell people to diet and exercise, so then why is it the vending machines had not one healthy choice. The cafeteria served pizza, chicken fingers, and burgers. Sure they had a salad bar, but it was sub par at best. You would think it would be the easiest place to eat healthy, but it isn't. There wasn't even so much as a string cheese for a quick protein snack. I guess no matter where you are you have to be prepared.

Easter Candy

I know I have been neglecting my blog, but things have been crazy around here. We went to Tennessee, and brought Kacey home with us for spring break. She had a great time (I think). LaRita lost her mind. It was a long week with her. She was miserable to us. I think part of it was showing off for her friend, she is 14. LaRita was so hateful, and full of attitude she didn't even go with us to take Kacey home. Things are calmed now. It was a hard week food wise. We did a lot of running around, and I made many bad choices. Things I thought I could get away with, but I couldn't, and I spent too much time sick in the bathroom. I get it, and I am on track now. I am logging all my food on the daily plate and being careful, and conscious of what I put in my mouth. It is a learning process, this new life. I sometimes get A's and B's, but last week I would say I earned a solid D.
Easter was the big launch service for our church the connection. Due to a poor choice of eating chips in the car on the road trip the day before, I spent 20 minutes in the bathroom sick in the morning. This made us run late, and since I was in charge of the bagels, not a good thing. I was just in super beyotch mode by the time we got there. I got all the bagels out, but almost got into fisticuffs with an old lady and a kindergartner in the process. I know Happy Easter, right. So, after the service we went to my sister Cathie's house and found out my dad had taken my mom to the hospital. She is still there, and they still don't know what is wrong with her. She seems to have some sort of viral infection. Her neck and chest are red and swollen. It is causing her a lot of pain and some trouble breathing. She is now on 3 different antibiotics, and they finally gave her an anti inflammatory that is making her more comfortable. She got a roommate yesterday, so no one could stay overnight with her. It was scary for a while and they were throwing around the idea of congestive heart failure. I think they don't think that anymore.
Okay to the point. I didn't fill my kids baskets with Easter candy this year. I got a little, but no one here needs it right. I got Gray toys and bubbles, LaRita got jewelry and magazines. I thought I was so smart. We wouldn't have a ton of candy in the house. That was before we went to Cathie's and she had filled like 200 eggs with candy for the hunt. Luckily, Gray isn't much of a hunter. We still have more candy in the house than I would like. Then Chris and the kids shopped yesterday and brought home more. WTF. Candy isn't a weakness in the way that I would buy it, but if it's here I want it. I have to learn no. I can't ban it from the house, because I had the surgery, they didn't. I just don't get why he had to spend more on candy when we already had some here.

I'm home

I did okay this weekend on my trip. Not as well as I had hoped I would do, but better than it could have been. There were way too many snack foods available. I ate too many of them. It is stuff that I would never have in my house. I took my greek yogurt and ate it, and even had a protein shake. We had pizza last night, but I only had a piece. I threw most of it up because it got stuck. I am going to the gym in the morning, and logging on daily plate again. This is a work in progress, and I wish I were doing better. I know it is up to me, and I can do it. I think I could have done a lot worse this weekend, and I need to hold onto that, not beat myself up for what I did eat. I know some people feel there is no room for those types of missteps, but is that really realistic?

Road Trip

So, what does one do one a road trip when they can't eat junk? Is it even possible for me to go on one with out the delicious goodness of fake cheese filled pretzels, in a little snack food called a combo? I guess I will soon find out. I am taking the kids to Tennessee this weekend. We are going to help my cousin, and visit. We will also be very near Lambert's, home of the throwed rolls. Can I go and introduce Gray to the buttery decadence of a hot roll thrown right into your waiting paw, without eating myself sick? Lambert's is also home to the ridiculously larger portions. How do you pass the time in a hotel room if you can't eat cheetos and read tabloids. Are they even readable without orange smudges on the anorexic models pictures?
I'll find out and let ya know Monday.

Chaos

My entire house is in a constant state of chaos. It is a mess. With all the pets and kids it is no wonder. By the time we get the toys cleaned up forget the rest of the house. To make it harder our house is just so small. It would be fine if we all didn't have so much stuff. I am so stressed and the mess doesn't help. If I try to leave the room to get anything taken care of all hell breaks loose.
The other thing that is so stressful is the constant noise level. It is bad. Gray talks or makes noise constantly, add in the other kids and the tv. It gets crazy. Gray always wants the tv on, he doesn't have to watch it, he just wants it on. I am going to start turning it off throughout the day just to get him used to it.
The stress from these things all day make me so exhausted that after I make dinner, I am done. Which means no housework gets done then either. The next day the whole cycle starts again. Messy house, loud kids, ect.
I know this level of stress leads to bad eating, I just don't know what to do about it. I am so over the chaos.

One step forward

A few steps back.

I have been having this pain in my left side. It is similar to pain I had from ovarian cysts. I went to the gyno, and no cyst. So I had it last night, and it was horrendous. I was meeting a woman at the gym today, and I so wanted to cancel. The pain was the kind that makes you nauseous it is so bad. It still hurt this morning, but I persevered. I had to take Gray to school, kicking and screaming. Then, I had to drag Gray, Collin, and Ben all into school to drop Gray off. Then, I drove to the gym where I had to drag Ben and Collin into the nursery. I feel like at this time I should be nominated for sainthood. I met Christine and we worked out. I walked, did some weights, and ab stuff. Then I lugged Ben and Collin back to the van, wedged them in their car seats, and went to the car wash. I was killing time before I had to get back to school, and start the whole thing again. Now, before you congratulate me for committing to the gym, and going through all that to go let me finish. Gray did not want to go to school, so I promised him a reward if he did. Parenting mistake #1, I rewarded with food. McDonalds. I have to say after all that, the last thing I felt like doing was making lunch. So, drive thru we did. I got the 2 cheeseburger meal for Gray and I to share, and a chicken nugget meal for the other two. I ate some fries, and one burger minus most of the bun. Not too bad right. Well, let me finish. I went to a sewing class tonight, and learned to make an apron. By the time class was over I was hungry. I drove thru again. You read it right, twice in one day. I got a beefy cheesy melt from taco bell. That little devil has over 500 calories in it. I have no idea how they get so many calories in such a little package. Okay, I only ate one cheeseburger, and one burrito. It could have been worse. I logged what I ate, and I am moving on. I just wonder why I sabotage myself. I should feel good right now, no sick from a cheesy, beefy melt. That was actually as gross as it sounds. Twice in one day is something I rarely did before surgery. It may be hard to believe, but we didn't eat fast food very often. I know the whole fast food thing is a slippery slope, but it isn't so much my weakness. The thing I realized today, is it isn't even a particular food that is my downfall, but the amount I want to eat. One cheeseburger doesn't soothe me, I want to binge. I want to eat massive amounts of food. That is what I need to deal with.

76

I am down 76 pounds since September. This is a biggie for me. I decided that I would get a tattoo when I lost 75 pounds. I am getting one on the top of my foot. The symbol above is what I getting. If what I read is right, it is a symbol for the 3 stages of womanhood, maiden, mother, and crone. I am also into a size 18. I have been logging my food on the daily plate and staying under 1200 calories a day. My support group said that seems to be too few calories and should try for more. I am going to. I was out a lot the past couple days, and did not log. I notice that I don't feel as well. I know this is due to poor choices. I hate food journals, but right now I know I need the accountability. I bought a sewing machine today. I am making a quilt for LaRita, and I want to learn other things. I need to make curtains, so I can ditch the ugly ass blinds I got going on. I am getting concerned about the amount of money I spend. I have never been good at self denial. I blame my dad. I was not cut out to be poor. I am not a minimalist, more of a maximumist. I like stuff, and I want it. I try to not buy, but I always give in. I have been obsessed with the sewing machine for a couple months. I feared that if I didn't buy it, and continued to talk about it I would lose all friends and family. People worry about transfer addiction, and I would think this was it. Thing is I have always been a spender. I don't just spend on myself. In fact, I would say I spend more on LaRita than anyone. This will probably change once I can get cute clothes. Although, I find the choices in the regular stores overwhelming. I am used to such a limited selection, and buying clothes based on fit, and size not style. I don't even know what I like. I know I like to look good though. I went to sephora and was ready to sell Grayson so I could buy make-up. I never knew I was vain. I need to own up to it, I am. I get my nails done, my eyebrows threaded (way better than waxing), and have spent more money than I can afford to on jewelry. I didn't even own a pair of earrings before wls. I always wore make-up out of the house, but only because the sight of my unmade up face in the rear view would send me straight home in shame. This has been a long rambling post, and it wasn't even what I set out to blog about. I am not spending all week, and next weekend I will be in Tennessee. I am sure to spend like an idiot then.

Work in progress

Well, I did get some exercise yesterday. Food wise it was not too good. I was so busy and gone all day. I never ate much of a meal, more like snacky crap. I should have planned better, but I am not beating myself up over it. I just need to move forward. I am committed to 3 days of exercise this week, and I already got one down. I went to support group on Saturday, and fessed up to my bad behavior. Acknowledging it public solidified that I am ready for a change in attitude and behavior. Guilt and negative thinking were not helpful to me, so I am making a concerted effort to not give into them.