It's been awhile

1. Fridays
2. my first official youth group is Sunday
3. the kids in my youth group
4. Gray singing best friends forever to me.
5. puppy love, literally from a puppy.

Getting Proactive

I am logging my food on my daily plate. I hate keeping a food journal, but I need it at this point. I also ate real food for breakfast today, and not just a protein drink. Amy thinks this will help me. I just am not a fan a breakfast, and it did take me over an hour to get in there and make myself scramble some eggs. It is working though, because I am not even thinking about eating lunch yet. The pity party is over, now it is time to do the work. I also am trying to drink plain water, instead of adding flavors. That much artificial sweetener isn't good for anyone.

I am disgusted with myself

I am just letting all of my bad habits come back in to play. I know if I eat an entire sleeve of thin mints I will dump, but not if I eat two. That means two every time I go into the kitchen. That adds up quickly. Don't even ask why I have the thin mints, I had wls, Chris didn't. His skinny ass can have them. Of course I am the one eating them. I am constantly stretching the limits of what I am eating, and bending the rules. This means I feel bad a lot. Right now I am physically ill from eating chicken salad. Not that I can't have that, but I ate too much and I knew it. I am not working out. I thought I would have more energy, but I don't. I thought I was so low energy because of my weight, but it turns out I am just lazy. I have always had an inability to make myself to do what I don't want to, like school. I haven't been careful about making sure I don't drink a half hour before or after eating. I don't drink when I eat, but I don't watch the clock anymore either. I would call the nutritionist at new start, but I have to say I have not found them at all helpful in the past. I am on my own with my bad habits, my addiction. I graze, which is the fastest way to fuck up a gastric bypass. The thing is, if I am doing all these things before I am six months out, what will I do at four years out. Weigh more then I did when I got the flippin sugregy would be my guess. I am writing this as a way to put it out there. I am owing up to my recent failings in hopes that I can make the changes. I need to be accountable for my bad choices, I need to acknowledge them and change them. I know I would feel so much better if I would eat the way I should, and after a couple weeks of not, I am tired of feeling so bad all the time. Okay, no more feeling sorry for myself, time to make changes. I am going to acknowledge and move forward. I hope. No I am by saying I hope I am giving myself permission to fail. I know I am going to make mistakes, but I need to move past them. I have given up every diet I have ever been on after a couple of off days, but I can't give this up. My insides are permanantly rearranged. It would be a sin to go through all this, and still be fat.

Rewards?

Today I had to go to the gyno. I hate going. Not that anyone likes going. I hate it like, dread, nausea, cancel three appointments, need a xanax hate it. I detest it. It makes me a nervous wreck to go to any doctor, but this one takes the cake. To make it more panic inducing I was going to a new doctor. I hadn't been in a couple years, since my last doctor retired. Well, the good news is I went, only having canceled one appointment. I won't give you details, other than the doctor was very nice, and nothing out of the ordinary happened. After the ordeal was over, I decided to reward myself. I spied a Jack in the Box in a plaza across the street and the little light bulb went off. Tacos. Tacos with the buttermilk ranch sauce to dip them in. I know a girl that calls the sauce fat girl crack. She is right. It is so good. I drove over and waited in a long line to order my two .99 cent tacos and small container of crack. I got the tacos and pulled into a nearby parking space to enjoy my "reward". I ain't gonna lie. It was good. No, not good. It was better than good. It was a sheer delight to have those two greasy, mystery meat filled deep fried friends back in my life. My question is this, why do I put something that is in no way good for me as a reward? There was the possibility that those two spicy, crunchy, gooey, pockets of flavor would have made my very ill. I didn't care. I deserved it. I endured the doctor. What did I deserve, the fat? the calories? the artery clogging trans fat filled oil? How is that a reward. More importantly, what can I do to change the fact that I consider sitting in a car, in a parking lot eating tacos a reward? Why can't going to the gym and doing something that will improve my life a reward? What is so rewarding about putting my health in jeopardy. I may sound dramatic, it was after all only 2 tacos. I mean before surgery it would have been 6. That doesn't change that I stand a huge chance of gaining weight back, or not losing all of it, if I don't change that flawed thinking. Those actions are what makes me an addict.

Teenage girls make you fat

I gave LaRita access to the Internet again. She lost the privilege before, and I thought we could try again. I was wrong. I happened to find that she created a secret email account. I was angry about the abuse of trust. This happened when we were iced in on Friday. So all Friday I found myself grazing. I was in the kitchen all day. I even baked muffins. Healthy muffins, but I am so not a baker. I didn't even realize I was feeding my frustrations. I was aggravated with LaRita so I ate. Now, will this realization help? I sure hope so. What do you do with frustration, anger, sadness? I don't drink, or smoke, and even though I say I ate all day it isn't anything like before surgery. There isn't too much satisfaction in a string cheese. I want to binge. The sad thing is I know of a woman that has the opposite problem. She restricts when she is upset. That is sad, because I wish I had that problem. I wish being upset made me want to starve. I know that thinking is flawed. It is like a crack addict wishing he were a heroin addict. They are both detrimental to your health. What do healthy people do when they are upset? Are there normal people? Somehow I doubt it.

Losing Again

Well, I seem to have gotten off my plateau. Woohoo!! I have no idea how. I haven't really done anything different. I think about doing things, but I haven't. No gym or anything. I have really been a lazy bum lately. I was all self congragulatory on the scale this morning, but then I realized the weight loss was all surgery. I can still congratulate myself though right? I mean I choose the surgery. I have gotten back to cooking family dinners, and that feels good. I feel like a mom again. It is amazing how that 20 minutes really connects you as a family. I think my laziness is the fault of a new little puppy. He is like having a newborn in the house. He wakes me up all hours. He doesn't want to eat, just nibble, on anything in his reach. He always ends up with the most space on the bed because anyone that lays near him gets the treatment.

sick of my issues

I haven't blogged much, because I figure as sick as I am of my food issues, people must be tired of reading about them. This week was a total wash weight loss wise. I didn't go to the gym, or eat very well. It was that time of the month. I even tried to go to the gym once. I was sidetracked by a shoe sale. I got some new workout shoes though. Ya know, for in the future. I have however, recommited to the family dinner. I am back to cooking, and it feels good. I got a wls cookbook coming in the mail. I also ordered deceptivly delicious, and got a food processor from my mom. I am making falafel on Sunday. It should rock. It was a hard week, and I am glad it's the weekend.

grateful

I haven't done this in a while.
1. puppies
2. vicodin
3. Gray's laugh
4. naptime is soon.
5. having a valentine

Jersey

I have a new puppy. His name is Jersey Valentine. He is the epitomy of cute. My mom got his brother and named him Leo. They are sweet boys. Gray is overjoyed, and in love. I was not the biggest puppy fan at 4am when he was howling in his crate, but I'll get over it.

neglect

I have been busy so sorr for the neglect. I spent my weekend at a youth confrence called dare2share. I have to say I found most of what they said different from my beliefs, and I was even offended by some of it. Being at the mercy of the group made my food choices hard. The confrence started on Friday night, and we spent the night in our church. Then it was back to the scottrade center by 8am. I ate before we went Friday. Breakfast consistd of doughnuts, so I had a protein shake. We had a lunch break, so the kids had sandwiches. I had a protein shake. Then dinner was McDonalds. I tried a grilled chicken snack wrap, but most of it was rejected by my pouch before we left. I way overate at lunch yesterday, and made bed choices all day. I did workout 3 days last week. I have made good food decisions all day today though. I know that I have to just put the bad choices behind me and move on. No sense in carrying the guilt with me. That just leaves an opening to make more bad choices. I have ordered a post wls cookbook, and am getting back to cooking for my family like I did before the surgery.

Goldfish

I hate those little crackers, yet I eat handfuls of them every chance I get. Why? Because they are there. I have to stop with the carbs, before I get more out of control. I did go to the gym yesterday. I even braved the trainer corner and did some ab work.
Tonight we have a big youth event called dare2share. LaRita and I are going and spending the night at church. She is very sick though, so we may miss. She will be devasted she has looked forward to this since she went last year. Also, her ticket was $60, so I will be bummed too. I, however, will be more than happy to sleep in my own bed tonight.
I have been having extreme pain in my left side right under my waist. I think it is ovarian cysts. I have had them before. Unfortuanatly, my appointment at the doctor isn't until the 23rd. The pain was so bad last night, I even dreamt about it. It is subsided right now. If it is still bad in a hour I am going to call the doctor. My regular gyno retired so I don't really have one right now. The appointment I have is with a doctor I haven't seen before.

It has been a while

since I have done my gratitude journal so here we go..
1. getting my hair cut tonight
2. getting a new puppy soon.
3. staying home with Gray
4. LaRita told my dad I was a good mom
5. hobbies

plateau

I have been pretty well stuck since my December 15th check up. I am so aggervated with myself right now. I am running out of time. Well, that is how I feel. This phase of rapid loss doesn't last forever. I need to lose as much as I can these first six months. I am way behind my schedule. I have recommitted myself to exercise. I went Monday, and I am going to go today. It has to be my priority. This being lent it is a good time to reevaluate my habits. I haven't given up something for lent in years, and I don't think I will this year. I think I am going to commit to exercise 3 days a week. I know that taking care of my body is a ministry to God. I think that will count as giving something to God. Really though, I think it will help me to make this a priority.

I have been irresponsible.

I am a youth leader at a new church. So far we have had a few events, and I have revolved them around food. Junk food to be exact. We had a make your own pizza night, and a movie night where we made cookies and had popcorn. The pizza night included soda, and candy. The movie night had kool aid. It has occured to me that I have sent the wrong message, and I need to correct it. I need to show them how to have healthy snacks, and that we can have great food that isn't total junk. I think as a role model for these kids it is my job to model good food behaviors. Of course, cookies are fine as a treat, but I feel a big problem is everything revolving around food. Now, any youth leader will tell you, that you have to be prepared to feed them. That is fine, I just need to find a healthy way to do that. One thing is I am swiching to sugar free drinks. We shall see how that goes.

I went, wait for it,

to the gym. Yay me. I walked and did some weights. I wanted to do the big ball ab exercises, but all the trainers were over there. I was too embarrassed to go do it. I'll get there though. I am hopeing that going to the gym will get me off the plateau I am on. I haven't really lost in six weeks. I am trying to to panic, but I am not happy. I know it is my fault, so I need to deal. I had a super busy weekend. Saturday I left the house at 9:30am and didn't get home until after midnight. I had a good time though. I went out with my friend Amy. We are getting on of the puppies her dog had. He is a black and white shih tzu. We are naming him Jersey Valentine. He is from Jerseyville, IL. Chris was campaigning for Ron Burgandy, but he was vetoed. We should be able to get him soon. He is the biggest of the bunch. I heart him already. Gray is uber-excited. I am hopeing the puppy will sleep by Gray. Then maybe Gray will sleep in his own bed. Sunday was church at the connection. Then we painted ceramics. I went with Amy and her kids. It was fun, except I am a ten year old and hate everything I make. I was right on level with Amy's son, with my frustration level and impatience. Then we had a church dinner. The food was good and I ate way too much. I ate jsut bad random stuff all weekend. I had no real food until dinner yesterday, which explains why I ate like an idiot. I had a protien bar, bagels and jerky before that. I need to learn to plan better. My spellcheck isn't working so sorry.

Potato soup for a rock star

Well, I am not a rock star yet. I am making potato soup and Chris and LaRita are out buying the game rock band. We are on our way to super stardom. I can't wait. We have a fun night of rockin and carbs ahead of us.
My joy list
1. got my tax return
2. everyone getting home safely
3. songs Gray makes up
4. a fun weekend planned
5. rock band.

snow day

It is hard when things like snow days come up, and it is not a reason to eat. Sure I didn't get to be fat by not eating all the time, but nothing says snow day like potato soup and corn bread. No hoe chocolate for me. I am instead enjoying an orange flavored protein shake. So not the same. I can still have the potato soup, but today I am out of potatoes. :( The thing is I am missing my old friend full. You know that feeling of being stuffed and wanting to sit in a food coma. I miss it. How sick is that, missing feeling stuffed. It's like missing a hangover.