the 5

1 health
2 snow days
3 Gray is feeling better
4 Chris will be home soon
5 the scale seems to be movng finally

heard from the doctor

I have been struggling with fatigue since my surgery. I really feel like something is off. I went to the doctor and had some bloodwork done. Everything is normal. What does this mean, am I just lazy. Why can't I find the energy I should have. People are supposed to be full of vim and viggor after losing weight like I have. I am going to take the new medication he gave me for a month and see if that helps. I was really hopeing for a reason for my lethargy.

Think Thin

Protien bars are not so good. I have tried 4 different flavors, and I am not a fan. I think I like the drinks better than the bars. My nutrtinist says it is better to get your protien from bars than drinks, but I can't do it. Of course you are supposed to get your protien from food. I can't get it all in that way. Esspecially not if I don't snack. My plan is now more like breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. I have another shake at night if I need it.

salad is not my friend

I have tried to eat salad a couple of times now, and it doesn't work out at all. I thought I was eating to much of it. Tonight I just ate a little and I stil feel awful. I love salad, and it is so good for me. It is not worth this feeling though. I may have whatever is plagueing Gray too though. He is not well at all, his diapers are numerous and funky. We are going to have to make an emergency run for desitin soon. Poor baby. Poor me. We had an icident earlier that was terrible. There was the wettest, loudest, most panick inducing noises ever to come from a 3 year old heinie. Then in my infinite wisdom I sort of believed him when he said it was "just farts". I did the most idiotic thing ever, I squeezed the diaper. Poop shot out of the leg hole and all over. His legs, and sadly my new purse. It was just on the outside so, I got it wiped off. I still will never feel the same about it though. I had Gray do the poop on my legs, cowboy swagger to the bathroom and just hosed him down in the shower.

journal+menu

1. a doctor that I like
2. my dad watching the kids for me
3. salad bars in grocery stores
4. good smelling candles
5. Grayson and LaRita

I am also going to write on here what I eat. It is an effort to be accountable. I have tried the other sites you track your food on, but I always stop going.
B-protein shake
L- small salad and chili
S-hummus and pretzel crisps (those came back up)
D rest of the salad and fage yogurt with some granola.
S- I will probably have another protein shake before bed.

I went to the doctor

I saw my doctor today. My primary, not my surgeon. I am still feeling fatigued from the surgery, so he is doing some blood work. I should have the results by Monday at the latest. I also got a new anti-depressant. One the support group leader suggested. Luvox, it is for treatment of ocd.I hope it helps my obsessive thoughts. They seem to be worse since the surgery. I know they really aren't, it was just normal for me to obsess over food, now it is other things. I know it isn't normal, and I guess I did then too. I just didn't want to own up to it. It is nice going to the doctor and not wanting to sob on the scale. Not that I am happy with my weight now, but it is a damn sight better than it was before. My dad, God bless him, watched Gray and Collin for me. I was happy everyone survived. Well, I knew the boys would, but I had doubts about my dad. Then I made the brilliant decision to take them to the grocery store for soup. It was of course a nightmare. Those car carts may seem like a good idea, but really they suck. You can't really see what the kid in the car is doing so Gray feels free to shoplift. Then, I have to spend as much time putting back what he pilfered as I do shopping. I also decided to get organic milk for my family. I drink organic soy milk. I feel like I need too. On the other hand, I sort of feel like a sucker for buying into it. I also had to get these tiny little mini bananas. They were too cute to pass up. I love things that are small. A thing I got from my mother. I have to say she is way more into it than me.

Who are these kids

My two kids are thin, like my husband. They care little for food, and could really take it or leave it, like my husband. How did I , a food obsessed person, get into this family. When I was pregnant with Gray I was so worried he would be like me. I had gestational diabetes and every ultrasound I had, and there were many, told me he was a huge baby. They were freaking me out with how big they said he was. I followed my diet and did my insulin shots like I was supposed to, but still my body betrayed me. Except, it didn't. Grayson weighed in just over 6 pounds. Today, at age 3 he weighs in at a whopping 29 pounds, he is growing on target. He is still very thin though. I am aware that this could change, but if you saw my husband and 14 year old daughter you would be safe to bet it won't. I am grateful that my family is the way it is. It makes my post wls life way easier than it would be if I were surrounded by chip eaters all the time. Don't get me wrong, they love junk and eat popcorn by the ton, but it could be a lot worse. I always worried about how my low self image would affect LaRita. Being an adolescent girl and hear your mom talk about diet failures and how much she hate her body can't be good. Especially in a society that puts a six 8 model in the plus size category. It is amazing to me that every woman doesn't have food issues. Well, it would be if I thought there was such a thing. I think in some way we all do. At least all the ones I know.

I know I need to go

Why can't I make myself get to the gym. I know I have to do it. The truth is if I spent half as much time in the gym as I do beating myself up over not going, I would be buff by now. I had every intention on going today, but if Chris doesn't get home soon I won't be able to. I have plans later tonight so I won't be able to go later. I hate to go. I feel like everyone is looking at the fat girl and judging me. In my head I know that is not true, but in my heart it is there. I am embarrassed to be there. Also, I still am more fatigued than I should be. Hopefully, the doctor will have some answers for that on Wednesday. If I had the energy, I think I could overcome the humilation factor.

journal

1. hanging out with my family and Amy's
2. buying LaRita a cashmere sweater for $16
3. getting my first paycheck for being a youth leader.
4. Chris watching Gray so I could shop
5. Trader Joe's greek yogurt.

happy journal

1. fitting in th equilting class, and book group.
2. picking up the mug I painted.
3. getting sick at home instead of out.
4. Chris and Gray reading stories.
5. meeting Amy's kids tomorrow.

I spoke too soon

No sooner did I post my last blog, then I started to get sick. I was shaky on the inside and had strange sensations in my extremities. I also had blurry vision, and weakness. I called my friend Amy and she said it sounded like low blood sugar and to try some milk and a piece of cheese. I did and it helped immensely. I am still feeling off, but better. I guess I am paying for the bread after all. I have a glucose meter, but it is missing at the moment. It was a terrible feeling, and I regret the bread.

Holy Moses, I can eat bread

I went to meet a book discussion group at Panera bread. I was good and got soup, but it came with a big hunk of sourdough. I ate almost all the bread. Then I thought to myself, great now I am going to be running to the bathroom to puke. I was dreading having to explain that to my boss/pastor, and 3 strangers. God was on my side though. I did not get sick. I know that may not be true next time. It is not a free bread pass. It is also not good for my weight loss. I think next time I will be sure to say, no bread. Other then that I had a great day. I went to my support group, then to a quilting class that I am hosting at the connection. I cut out all my fabric. I am making a twin size quilt for LaRita. I got out of there fast enough to join the book group at panera bread. I had to then go buy the book we are reading. 3:16 by Max Lucado. I also picked up the mugs Amy and I painted at glazed and confused last week. They turned out really cute. Hers is way better then mine. I may hold it ransom.

I am happy I am doing the quilting class. I think I will love it. Quilting seems to be an expensive hobby though. I was all excited to do it, until I was committed to it. Then, I panicked and really was angry with myself for suggesting we use the church. That way, I had to be there. I am okay with it now. That is how I operate. I always want to join everything, but hate to be obligated to do things. I do think I am happier when I am busy. I just always feel like, once I am committed to one thing, I will miss something else better. Maybe, that's it. I'm not real sure.

Friday's journal

1. Grayson and Ben playing piano.
2. It is almost naptime for little boys.
3. Friday
4. Tivo
5. starbucks coffee

Obsessive much

I have been becoming more aware of my obsessive nature since my surgery. I knew I was obsessive about food. I would start thinking about my next meal before I was even finished with my first one. Without food as a huge obsession I have other things to obsess about. Like, the scale. I weigh myself every time I go in the bathroom. Drinking 64 ounces of water a day means I am in there a lot. I got the thought in my head that I needed a full size blender. I may want to make some tomato bisque. I had to go get one that night. In the freezing cold. I haven't even gotten it out of the box. Today, I went to two different thrift stores looking for an ice tea maker. I would have gone to more, but I called my mom and she said I could have hers. I did this eventhough I had to drag Collin with me, in the freezing cold. I am also in a ton of pain today. I have a terrible pain in my side that I think is from an ovarian cyst. I am astounded that I felt so strongly about ice tea that I went out in pain to get it. The thing is I probably would even use the flippin thing. I am going to the doctor next week and hopefully can get some help, or medication for my obsessive thoughts. It is like when you have a song in your head all day. Sometimes, it is a song, sometimes though it is just a word. A single word on a loop reeling through my head. I am watching the show big medicine, it is about a surgery center that does wls. There is a woman on the show who is showing the therapist all the things she buys, like a closet with over 200 handbags. I don't want to be that woman.

forgot to do my journal

1 tax refunds/ easy tax computer programs
2 meeting a friend for coffee.
3 having an interesting childhood to laugh over
4 chapstick
5 Chris' ankle healing well.

On a side note, if you read my blog I would love to read comments. I don't expect them all to be good, I just love to know people are reading.

So, I didn't go

to the gym. Chris got his W-2 so I went to Target and then did our taxes. We really need the refund. Then this evening I met a friend at starbucks. We had fun, but after our 45 minute discussion on candy got some looks from others around us. I had to wonder if it is normal for two grown women to discuss candy for that long? I mean we were into it. Lamenting the lack of good taffy, and corner stores that sell penny candy. I guess now it would be nickel candy, because even when we were kids it wasn't a penny. After all that candy talk I binged on sugar free twizzlers I had in my car. Now I am sick to my stomach. Why can't I just eat one and be satisfied. I wish I could eat normal the way an alcoholic wishes they could go out and just have one beer. I know I can't buy the sugar-free candy anymore. I just can't control myself with it. I am okay if I don't have it around, so the million dollar question is why the hell do I buy it.

the gym

Today, I have eaten like I am supposed to, just like yesterday. Now, to tackle the gym. I am going to go. I am telling myself I only have to do the treadmill for 20 minutes. Not a lot, but better than nothing, right? I figure once I can get there regularly, I can worry about doing more. I have a routine to do with the weight machines, and maybe I will decide to do that while I am there, but for now baby steps. Also, I am telling myself if I go I can then go get my nails filled. I am writing it here so I am accountable to something/someone. Now I have to get these whiny boys down for a nap. That or lose the teeny bit of sanity I have left.

Today's menu

I ate like a wls post op should eat. It was not hard and I don't know how I got away from it. I had a breakfast of fage yogurt, then a protein shake, bean with bacon soup, and chicken chili for dinner. Not to say I was too far off from that, but now I am conscious of what I need to do, and I feel good if I do it. I had this surgery to make these choices easier, and I need to remember that.

happy journal

1. how happy Gray is to see me when I get him at preschool.
2. that it will be warm again someday.
3. hot soup
4. Gray's art projects
5. LaRita will only be a teenager for the next 4 years.

True Life, I'm happy being fat

Okay, I'll get this out of the way. I admit it, I still watch Mtv. I am watching an episode of True Life, about three people that say they are happy being fat. Funny, they cry a lot for happy fat people. I am not saying that being fat excludes you from being happy. I am fat, and quite happy. However, I am not happy being fat. What would make you happy about not being able to find clothes you like in your size? What would make you happy about paying more for clothes you don't like? What would make you happy about having high blood pressure, diabetes, low energy, sleep apnea? These people are young and healthy, but they are also ticking time bombs for so many health issues. Of course, it would be great if they were as happy with it as they think they are, but they are not. I was not. I can say in most areas of my life I was happy, and still am. There were many that I was not. I hated meeting new people, going to the doctor, or being in the spotlight. The real me loves attention, so it was hard to want to shy away from it. I love a good audience. How is it they call the show true life and they are busy filming people who are lying to themselves. They say things , like I am healthy, I love how I look, then cry is a store because the dresses they like isn't in their size. Everyone has things about their body they hate. I know my surgery won't erase those things. As a matter of fact most people I know who have had wls eventually end up having plastic surgery. I hope to have it too. I didn't go through the surgery to end up with excess skin that makes me feel worse about myself than I did before. I didn't do the wls for my appearance, but there is nothing wrong with for once in my life being satisfied with the way I look.

So I didn't go to the gym

We spent the morning at the urgent care center. Chris has a bad sprain, and got a brace. He can go to work tomorrow, but he is on sit down duty. There isn't much sitting for a mechanic so he will be doing some training on the computer. I had a protein shake on the way there. Then on the way home, I thought to myself, before we would have driven through somewhere. Now we are going home to eat. For lunch I had weight control quaker oatmeal, then later I had some high protein cereal I bought online. As I read this I am realizing that I had too many carbs. I know I should keep a food journal to avoid this type of thing, but I just can't bring myself to stick with it. I went to the store for my fage yogurt. I sort of freak out if I don't have it, and they were out. I was going to drive to trader joe's to get it, but I bought orange roughy to make for dinner. I will go tomorrow if I can make myself wait. I am working on not giving into the impulses like this. There is no reason I need it tonight, but it is nagging at me. I should have gone to the gym, but I am going to count my food choices as today's victory and not beat myself up over my failure to exercise today. It won't get me to go, and why give into the self hate cycle over it. I think I will tack my gratitude's on the end here
1. Chris' ankle is not broken
2. encouraging words from a family member
3. naps and dayquil
4. new protein I ordered online
5. my dogs, they are the best friends I could have

But, I love my hair

One bad thing about wls is my hair is falling out. I borrowed my dad's car on Saturday, and it looked like someone sheared an alpaca in the drivers seat. It is a bummer, because as a fattie, I loved my hair. I think for some of us it is the one thing we can feel good about. I know it is not permanent, but it is still quite alarming to pull out such large handfuls in the shower. I am going to get in more protein, and have started to take biotin. I hope it helps.

a new day

So, I made some bad food choices over the weekend. It is time to start over, and move beyond it. Before, a couple of bad choices would send me off of a diet. I would look at those choices and chalk it up to another failure. Not this time. They were just bad choices, not a reason to give up. I am going to start my day with a protein shake, and try to make it to the gym. The gym may not work, depending on Chris. I am sure I will have to take him somewhere to have his ankle looked at, and who knows how long that will take. I know that sounds like an excuse, and heck maybe it is. I also have a cold, and it is bad enough being the fat girl at the gym. I don't want to be the mouth breather too. Okay, so I doubt I go to the gym, but hey, one step at a time right. Tomorrow is a new day. This is about my new life, and beating myself up over every little misstep is part of my old life. Well, at least that is what I am trying to tell myself.

Gratitude Journal+bad choices

Yesterday I ate a burrito supreme. Today, pizza. I am putting this in with my gratitude journal for a reason. I am mad at myself with the choices I made. I know they are not choices that will help with my weight loss. I am however that I went to taco bell, and only ordered on thing, not three. Also, I didn't eat an entire pizza. I know I made bad choices, but they are far removed from past bad choices. I have to start over tomorrow, my surgery makes giving up an implausibility. Not impossible, just not as likely.
1. recognizing my choices, and changing them
2. not getting sick from the pizza
3. singing with the youth at church
4. a day off tomorrow
5. Grayson's new saying, "what in tarnation"

All because I ate a triscut or two

I ate a couple tricuts a little while ago. I have had them before with no problem. This is the thing with wls. One day it will work, the next day not so much. So mere seconds after the triscut is down I am in the bathroom. This is where it gets gross, so be prepared. I threw it up, but it was way more foam than triscut. The third trip in I figured it out. I have the dum dum dum....foamies. I know why they are dreaded. It sucks. It has been over a half hour, and am still making frequent trips to the bathroom. Okay, now I shall explain what I mean by foamies. It is not really throw up, it is more of a thick, frothy spit. Told you it was gross. Here I go again.

I ate the cookie

I had a youth event tonight at the connection. We made cookies and watched Evan Almighty. I was completely prepared to go, and not eat cookies. That was a lot easier in theory than practice. They smelled so good. I did it, I ate the cookie. Then, nothing happened. The world didn't stop spinning, ice caps didn't melt, and worse of all, I didn't dump. You see, I am more afraid of being not being sick from things I shouldn't eat than I am of the dreaded dumping syndrome. The fear of getting sick, and not knowing how much it will take of one thing to get me there, is a good thing. It keeps me in line. Now that I know I can eat a cookie, what's next. So, one cookie isn't the end of the world, or is it?

In other news poor Chris has hurt his foot. He did it at work today. It is very swollen. He is keeping it elevated. It would help if it weren't a Grayson magnet though.

Gratitude Journal

1. Gray sitting on my lap this morning
2. parents that will babysit, and love it.
3. a youth event I planned tonight.
4. going to glazed and confused with Amy
5. Sherman (my dog) snoring. It's cute

Protein review

I have tried an inordinate amount of protein powders. I have bought the cheap ones from Target, and ordered expensive one on the Internet. Here is a brief overview of what I have discovered so far.
Nectar proteins are all pretty good. The fruity ones like, orange sunrise, and fuzzy navel work best when mixed with 16 oz of water and crystal light. Nectar is best mixed with a spoon or wisk. It tends to get foamy if you put it in the blender.
The nectar cappuccino goes well with 8 oz of milk and sugar free torani syrups. I actually have started to use soy milk.
Chike is good, but high in calories and pricey.
Elite mocha is gross.
I have been grossed out by all ready to drink proteins. I even hate the special k protein water, which is a waste of money. It only has grams of protein.
I also had some samples of champion. Of those I liked the banana flavor best. I just bought another sampler pack so I will keep you posted.
I really hate that you have to buy such large amounts of a given protein, it makes it a real investment to have a variety. I have spent way more money then I could afford on these powders, but starting my day with a shake makes me feel better, and gives me a fighting chance to get in all my protein.

gratitiude journal

Today I am grateful for
1. good friends
2. my sisters
3.peanut butter
4. Chris working, eventhough he doesn't feel well
5. only one more day til the weekend

old habits, die hard

One of the rules you have to follow post op is no eating or drinking for a half hour before or after your meals. The main reason for this is food will get washed through your pouch ( that is what your new tiny stomach is called) faster. Thus, allowing you to eat more, slowing down your weight loss. Well, today I was in the kitchen getting snacks for the boys and myself a drink. I mindlessly chomped down a saltine. Then had a few drinks of my ice tea. Big mistake. It didn't take long for it all to coming hurtling back out at a great velocity. I guess there is more then one reason for the rule.

it figures

I have never had luck finding fat girl clothes at thrift stores. My recent situation has made me have to look deep into the racks for some new clothes. I mean there is really no sense in buying a lot of expensive clothes that are only going to fit me in passing. Well, if I do this right that is. Tonight I ran into the goodwill by my house to see if I could find anything. I had no luck finding anything in my size. I did however see about 5 shirts I would wear that were in my old sizes. I was really tempted to buy them. I picked them up and put them back more then once. What are the odds. I have never found clothes that fit in a thrift store, and now I still can't. I am thinking the clothes were there from a lady in the same place I am. Maybe we will run into each other.What is it with fat girls that we never give up our old clothes? Is it that when we lose weight we afraid we will gain it back so we hold onto the old stuff? I think it is more that when you buy plus sizes it is hard to find things you like and feel comfortable in so you hold onto those suckers forever.

My new favorite food

Fage 2% Greek yogurt. It is awesome. It has 17 grams of protein per serving. It is plain so you can add anything you want. I just had some for lunch with granola and strawberry jam (low sugar). It was delicious
This is the one food that has really saved me. I eat it almost everyday. I can't recommend it enough to anyone. Even those who haven't had wls.

confession

I ate chips last night. It started out as a few. I grabbed some and put the bag back. Not too bad, but then I took three trips back to the kitchen for more. This on top of the 2 small pieces of bbq chicken pizza I had for dinner. So much for good choices. Sure, it is nothing compared to what I used to eat. Before surgery I would have eaten the entire pizza. Those California pizza kitchen ones really aren't that big. I fear that, making these justifications to myself is what will put right back where I was. Blasted hormones. They make it so hard to tell myself no. I am going to get back on track today. I woke up and had my morning protein drink and I am making good choices. I just need to let go of my mistakes, not use them as an excuse to make more. This is way easier to say than do though. This is how every diet failure began. I would blow off one day, and then think I had failed. Next thing you know all the weight is back. I did not go through all I have with this surgery to do that. I am going to make the changes I need to make. Well, at least that is what I am telling myself today.

Gratitiude journal

I forgot yesterday's.
1. The safety of my children
2. pms is only once a month
3. shopping
4. email
5.tv show on dvd.

T'shirts

A terrible tragedy happened in our area over the weekend. A boy from my daughter's school was hit by a car and killed. She didn't know the boy personally. The accident happened Friday evening, and they took him off life support on Sunday. He was in the 7th grade. Yesterday, we were out running errands when my daughter called and said she was too upset and we needed to get her. My husband took the call, and he is much nicer than me so he said okay. We were already out so we went to get her. I found it a little ridiculous, but I was sure that they weren't getting any work done anyway. So, we pull into the parking lot we are behind a truck that says RIP with the boys initials and you will be missed. I personally find that extremely tacky. Then out comes my daughter, wearing a shirt with the kids picture on it and the dates of his birth and death. It seems she bought it in the office. A child is dead and they are selling shirts. I get that the money is going to the family, but a collection would do the same thing without keeping the kids all riled up. It seems to me that things will die down, for he ones who weren't his friends, in about a week. Then someone will wear the shirt, and look out drama ahead. I lost a friend in high school. The school had a service and planted a tree. I hate to say anything nice about my high school, but that seems a way better way to handle it. The last thing middle schoolers need is a reason to be more dramatic. It is an awful tragedy, and I can't imagine how hard it is for the family, and the driver. I have a ton of sympathy for his friends. I remember how hard that was, but t'shirts for real?

PMS after WLS

When I have pms I want to eat all the time. I will jam whatever I can in my face. I eat things that I normally find repugnant, like beefaroni, and star crunch. Now that I have has gastric bypass, that is not really an option. Neither is advil. I am only allowed tylenol. This puts a whole new spin on pms. I think my family is ready to hold me down and mash m&ms into my mouth. if only I could lighten up for a second. I have eaten some sugar free candy, but that only added to my problem. I now have terrible gas. Oh yeah, I am one hot mama tonight.

Gratitide journal

Today, I have raging PMS, this may not be easy.
1. a nap with Gray
2. new fake nails
3. my yankee candle
4. losing 2 more pounds.
5. God

For Real

I was in Walgreens picking up my prescriptions. I asked the girl for the sudafed, you know the ones behind the counter with the porn. She of course asked for my id. Then came the problem, I got a ticket and they took my license. No license, no sudafed. I could pick up an entire bottle of antidepressants, and vicodin. Sudafed, not so much. I am sure that my big butt in no way resembles a meth addict. I understand that meth is a problem, but I can't buy 9 sudafed with a ticket being my id. Come on.

They said nothing

Well, my friends didn't comment on my weight loss. It is just how they are. Now that I think about it it may have been awkward if they did. That is something I have to learn, saying thank you to a compliment. Most times I shrug it off, or proclaim it to be an outright lie. After all, I know what I look like. Of course what we look like to ourselves and what we look like to others is as different as a Tyra Banks picture before and after airbrushing. That would explain why Chris shave off his goatee 3 weeks before I noticed. It is funny, how we don't look at the people live with after a while. They just start to fit the picture in your head. It is like how someone always becomes less, or more attractive after you know them.

Gratitude Journal

1. Going out last night, and not having a hangover today
2. Church
3. Jake's bday party
4. discovering guitar hero
5. google

Celebrity Rehab

People talk about food as an addiction. I know it is, and it is one that will kill you eventually. It is just hard to think of it in those terms when you are seeing people suffering withdrawals from meth, or alcohol. I am watching celebrity rehab, because I love all things rehab, celebrity and Dr. Drew. Maybe that is another problem all together. Is the fact that everyone eats, and you don't have to score on a street corner. Well, unless you get some of those Gus' Pretzels from the guys on the corner. Is that why it is so easy to pretend you don't have an abnormal relationship with food. Is that why I can pretend that I just like to eat, and not that I am doing it to mask something else. Some feeling or stress in my life? I don't know. It is hard, because I still have thoughts that this whole food addict thing is bs. I mean part of me feels like it is just an excuse I use to explain why I let myself get so obese. Is it just easier to say I am a food addict, than it is to say I am a lazy ass that loves to get my eat on? I talk to my friends who are normal weight, and they seem to feel like they have an abnormal relationship with food too. I know being my weight isn't healthy, but neither is looking like Posh Spice.

Gratitude Journal

1. It's Saturday, and I am going out tonight.
2. LaRita's all a report card.
3. Seeing my friend Amy.
4. My support group.
5. a new bra

Am I excited or nervous?

Tomorrow night I am going to see some friends for the first time since my surgery. I am excited to go out and to see them since it is always a good time. I also am excited to be seen. However, this is how crazy I am, I am worried they won't have a reaction. What if I don't look different to them? I also think it is possible they will think it would make me uncomfortable to talk about. I just know I will be disappointed if no one says anything. It is a distinct possibility given the people we will be seeing. I didn't do this for appearance reasons. It just seems that is what I am hung up on now. I have to remind myself that I told the guy at the psych evaluation that I would be happy losing 50 pounds. That has not turned out to be true. I have lost about 63 and feel like I am less than half way there. I'll let you know how it goes.

Gratitude Journal Day 2

Here is my five for today. Feel free to leave yours in the comment section.
1. It's Friday
2. a busy weekend ahead of me
3. Gray and Collin took a nap
4. LaRita's all a report card
5. Grayson giving me so many hugs and kisses today.

Home from the hospital

I came home from the hospital on a Friday. Chris was working, so my mom picked me up and I went to my sister Cindy's. Chris picked me up on his way home. The drive home was unpleasant, but I was so happy to come home. I missed my house and dogs. I missed an important note. At this point we are still worried Chris may go on strike October 1st. We had no savings so it would be a hardship for sure. A guy Chris worked with before had some side jobs he would pay Chris to work on. I told Chris no. He was planning on going Saturday after work and leaving me with the kids all day and evening. Well, Chris decided to do it anyway. I was livid. LaRita, being a 13 year old girl, was mad she had to watch her brother. She was completely obnoxious all day and night. The surgery made me really super emotional and it was difficult to say the least. Gray wanted to climb on me all day, because he had missed me. By the time Chris got home I was fit to be tied. I lost it on him. His defense was, "you act like it's all about you." Go ahead read it again, I'll wait. I completely lost my mind. He later apologized, but it took me quite a while to get over it. I think he was just overwhelmed too. Usually, Chris is a great husband, but he kind of freaks out when I am incapacitated. It was the same after my c-section. For the next week I was on a clear liquid diet. I really just drank water. Nothing else was appealing. After a week I went in for my check up and they removed the staples from my incisions and took out the drain. I was so scared that taking out the drain would hurt, but I barely felt it.

The aftermath

The first thing I remember after surgery was being wheeled down the hall to my room. I looked up and saw my mom with my pastor, Tish. I thought "hmm, that's odd." I was in extreme pain. They pump air into your abdomen so they can see better in there, and the trapped air caused me hardcore chest pain. Luckily, I had a morphine pump and some sort of pain ball that I wore around my neck. It was connected to what looked like a thin copper wire that went into my chest and numbed the surgical site. I tried to be a gracious host to Pastor Tish, but I was way looped. She didn't stay long, but she did pray for me, which I found very comforting. I had to wear these compression things around my legs that squeezed my calves to prevent blood clots. Blood clots are a big risk with the surgery, but not nearly as much now that it is laproscopic. I was pretty out of it for the next few hours and I only remember snippets. My sister told me that the pain was intense, and even in my sleep I was white-knuckling the side rail of the bed. My mom made sure to have me press my pain pump often. So often, that I had trouble holding onto it. Then a crazy nurse came in a made me walk. First, she had to empty the drain I had coming out of my side. My other sister, a nurse, was horrified that this nurse never washed her hands. The nurse was a sadist for sure. She would not allow anyone to help me out of bed and forced me to walk. It was a miracle I made it as drugged up as I was. It was excruciating, and awful. I did it as fast as I possibly could. I had to get it over with. Luckily, I never saw this nurse again. My guess is she is a part-time nurse, full time dungeon master. That evening I was a little more lucid, and hating my husband. He had come home to mow the lawn. Yes, that is right mow the lawn. He came back to my room pretty late and didn't stay too long. The worse part of all of this was I was not allowed anything to drink until after I had some tests the next day. Not even ice chips. I could rinse my mouth and that is it. I would have sold my soul for one ice cube. The next day my sister Cathie, the nurse, came to stay with me. I had to go to radiology and have some x-rays to check for any leaks. They came to take me down in the biggest wheelchair I had ever seen. It was like a love seat. It was then I realized the entire floor was like Jack and the Beanstalk giant big. The chairs, beds, even the doors. So, back to my x-ray. I had to drink this disgusting yellow dye while they x-rayed my chest. Then, I rode the love seat back to room to await the results. A half hour later, they said no leaks, but I had to do a back up test. I had to eat blue ice chips. At this point I was happy to get the ice. That is until I tasted it. It was vile. After that I had to wait another half hour. Then, they checked my drain for blue. There wasn't any, which meant I could have water, and they even got crazy and gave me a sugar free Popsicle. I was the best Popsicle ever. After all of the test I just had to walk to avoid clots and hang out. I got to take a shower later that day and that was awesome. Since they make all the people walk the floor you always had people walking by your room and looking in it. That really was obnoxious. I had to have my sister close my giant door. All in all I was in the hospital for two nights. I hate hospitals so I was happy to go home. That is until I realized there was no empathy for me here.

Gratitude journal

I was watching the Today show and a woman on there was reporting that of the hundreds of thousands of thoughts we have a day 80% are negative. That is so sad. One of her suggestions to live happier is to keep a gratitude journal. I think I will give it a whirl. I am supposed to write down five things I am thankful for.
1. Staying home with Grayson
2. Tivo
3. having a blog people read.
4. smaller jeans
5. making new friends.
Give me a break, it's early. I will get better at this. I also challenge you to try your own. At least try to think of a few things about your life you are happy about. Maybe we will all have a more positive 2008.

dressing room=happy?

I went to see my dad today. He said that he could tell I was really losing. Then he said he wished my jeans fit. So, he gave me money to go get a pair. He even asked that I go tonight to buy them. I guess it was pretty bad. I haven't bought any clothes since my surgery. I was wearing a, wow this is hard to say, 28 when I had the surgery. I found some 24 jeans in my closet so I had moved into those. I took a pair of 22s in the dressing room, and just for giggles a 20. I braved it and tried the smaller ones on first. They fit. That is the first time I have ever been happy in a dressing room.

Surgery Day

I had to be at the hospital pretty early in the morning on September 12th. Of course I was not allowed anything to drink after midnight the night before. I was checked in and the humiliation began. The pre-op area was a big room full of patients. I was placed in a bed right by the door. They closes the curtain, and I had to change right there. The entire time I was in the pre-op there was a mentally disabled man crying, quite loudly, for his dad. It was sad and stressful to be there, and hear him. That was added on top of the fear of going under. At this point I was very nervous. This is an elective surgery, even though it is for better health. What if something happened and I died. I was very worried about leaving my children behind. They finally let Chris and my mom come in to see me. They also started the IV. This was not so easy and the nurse poked me quite a few times. I am not squeamish about needles, but this was awful. She would stick the needle in my hand and wiggle it around. She did this for quite awhile before asking for help. The next nurse got it right away. Then, the nurse noticed poor Chris tearing up. He was very nervous about the entire thing. She mockingly said to him, "Don't cry, soon you have beautiful wife." Chris was nice enough to tell her he already had a beautiful wife. I went to the restroom, and when I came out they had made Chris and my mom leave. I didn't get to say goodbye to them before I went into surgery. I spoke with the doctor, and anesthesia nurse. Then they gave me something in my IV. The next thing I remember is being wheeled down the hall to my room. My mom and Chris were not told when they took me into surgery, so they had no idea how long I was in there. I am sure the waiting was very hard on them.

Meeting the surgeon/pre-op testing

I met the surgeon on a Tuesday. It was a brief meeting and we scheduled my surgery for the following Wedensday. Most people have to do a two week liquid diet prior to the surgery. I only had to do a week, because of my size and the fact that I was under the gun insurance wise. The liquid diet is supposed to help shrink your liver, by getting excess fat out of it. Your liver lays on top of your stomach and to do the surgery laproscopicly they have to hold your liver up while they staple your stomach. If you do not follow the diet you run the risk of have the surgery changed to an open incision, or them tour telling you they will not preform the surgery on you. During the liquid diet I was allowed four protein shakes a day, as well as any clear liquids. I hate jello, especially sugar free, and plain chicken broth is gross, so I stuck to water and the shakes. The first three days of the diet were terrible. I was exhausted and had an awful headache. To make matters worse I had to go out of town that weekend for a youth worker training seminar. The seminar was in the lake of the Ozarks. At a campground, that was unair-conditioned. It was hard to e around a bunch of people I didn't know and drink a slimfast while they all ate. I felt the need to explain myself, but I really didn't want to share my business with the world. Which, I guess I am doing with this blog.
The next step was the pre -op testing. I had to have a chest xray, ekg, lung function test, and of course blood work done. All of this was no big deal, and I passed the tests just fine. I was on my way to surgery. I am sorry if there posts are boring, I just want to give a clear idea of the whole process.

Insurance anxiety

I was really under the gun to get approved for surgery. Chris' is union and the contract they had was up October 1st. That means we had the possibility of a strike and losing our insurance for the duration of the strike. I could have jumped through all the hoops, but if the insurance took too long it would have been for nothing. While I was waiting I got change of benefits from the insurance stating that as of August 1st benefits for bariatric surgery would change. They would require a six month supervised diet and after that only cover 40% of the cost. I called to check the status of my approval, and the only thing they could tell me is my paperwork was there, but the lady who needed to look at it was on vacation and to call back next week. I was livid, but I waited. I called the following Monday bright and early. The woman said she thought I should be okay since I had my paperwork in by July 12th, but she would have to ask her boss. He was, you guessed it, on vacation. So I spent another week sweating bullets. You see, this was the union office I was talking to. They have to get the information first, then submit it to the insurance company. Finally, I get the call that she is sending my packet into the insurance. At this point it was August, and I was sure it wasn't going to happen for me. I was destined to be fat. Then, two days later the insurance called and I was approved. I could make the appointment to see the surgeon and schedule the surgery.

The approval process

I called New Start at St. Alexius hospital, and got the ball rolling. There are many steps to go through to get approved for the surgery. You are first sent a huge packet to fill out. You have to list all your failed diet attempts. Not fun documenting how many times you have not succeeded. They ask you how much you lost and gained with each diet. You have to put your and your families medical history down, as well as any co-morbities you may have. Those are illnesses resulting from your obesity. I didn't have any, but that does not mean I was not a ticking time bomb, on my way to diabetes and hypertension. The next step was an appointment with my regular doctor. He had to say I was fit for surgery and a good canidate. He did. Then I had to have a psychiatric evaluation. This was quite an experience. I was sent a list of names and prices for the evaluation. I of course picked the cheapest. There was a reason he was the least expensive. He was very strange, and spent most of the appointment on the phone. I had rehearsed answers to what I thought he would ask. Like, yes I know that this is not a cure, but a tool. It is up to me to make it work ect. I didn't need any of those answers. He to found me to be a viable canidate. Then I had to attend the New Start seminar. It was held in the confrence room of a holiday inn. It was really full and that is where I picked my doctor. He was the speaker. My only question was would I be able to have children after the surgery. He said I would. Up until that point I had thought I would opt for the less invasive gastric band. I changed my mind after the seminar and decided to go whole hog and get the RNY gastric bypass. The big factor for me was, the band helped people lose an average of 50% of their excess body weight, and the bypass was at 70%. Also, the band requires many follow up visits and adjustments to get it right. I just wanted it done. The extra 20% seemed big enough for me to just go for it. I will tell you at this point, sitting in the meeting with my thin husband Chris was too funny. I told him if anyone asked to say he was an "after". Next, I met with the nutritionist. She gave me an idea of my post op diet, as well as the supplements I would be taking for the rest of my life. Vitamins everyday, no biggie. Not true, when you have to take a bunch of them and they have to be chewable, and not taken at the same time. After I had jumped through all of those hoops, my info was sent to the insurance. I had to wait for their approval, before I would even meet the doctor one on one.

But, what if I fail

Before my surgery, I was convinced that this was it. I was going to be thin. Not just for a while, but forever. Then, about as fast as my incisions healed I was struck by the fear. The fear that people would see me lose this weight. That they would say how good I looked, and be amazed with this new person. Then, they would stand by in horror as the weight crept back on. It happens, a lot more than anyone will admit. I have never been successful with a diet, so I don't know what it is like to be thin and gain it back. I do know that there are some people who root for you to fail, it makes them feel better. I think if I fail at this I will have to move to Alaska. It should be far enough away to hide my shame. Plus, cold weather=big clothes. Maybe, I could have a commune there with all the other wls people who would like to hide their "shame". I am always afraid that I am doing this wrong, that I eat to much. That I will stretch my pouch. I fear discovering I can tolerate sugar, and high fat foods. I can only hope the fear will be enough to keep me in line. If not maybe the support groups will. It is a scary thing. I would always prefer to not do something rather than to do it and not be the best. I want to be a wls success story, not horror story. There are other ways to fail at this. I could go the other way, and not eat. Become so obsessed that I starve myself. The sad thing is people would see that as a success. At least on the outside.

What being fat means to me.

I almost titled that, what being fat meant to me. The truth is after a 60+ pound lost I am still fat. Actually, when it is all said and done, I may still be considered fat. I will never be a size 2, but I also won't be a 22. Also, maybe I should say what it doesn't mean first. It doesn't mean no one loves me. It doesn't mean I am unhappy, or reclusive. It doesn't mean I am sheltered, or shy. I am not lonely, or bored. I have had a fulfilling life. I have a husband and kids that love me. I have friends and I make new ones easily. However, I can't pretend it didn't have an effect. I have no confidence in my appearance. In fact, I often feel like why bother, I won't look good no matter what I do. I still try to look decent and wear makeup, but that doesn't make me feel acceptable. I still can't imagine why my husband, a thin person, would be attracted to me. I know what I look like. It means being scared the booth in a restaurant will be too snug, or a lawn chair will break under you. It means amusement parks are more humiliating than amusing. It means people meet my husband and say, "is that your husband? He's cute." In that way that lets me know that they are shocked we are together. It means I don't want to meet people my husband works with. I feel like they will be shocked by me. It means I have to buy clothes that fit, not ones I like. To add insult to injury the clothes cost more too. It means I think people are judging me at the gym. I would think that I wish I could lose weight so I could go to the gym. How flawed is that thought process? Before Chris it meant being the girl in the group no guy flirted with. You know the ugly girl that stand up comedians make fun of. It isn't to funny when you are that girl. It means I have a fear of being one of the fatties they show on the news. You know, the stock footage they show when talking about how fat Americans are. The clips that only show people from the neck down. How awful to be waiting for the weather and see your ass on tv. The truth is I probably wouldn't recognize it since I make it a point not to look in a full length mirror. Those are just a few of the things I hope my surgery will help change.

How it started...

I think it is time I explained how I came to the decision to have wls, and why I chose RNY gastric bypass. I have been overweight most of my life. Puberty was early and unkind to me. I grew bigger through late grade school and into high school. Despite many attempts to lose weight I continued to gain. Then I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis in my mid twenties. To get the arthritis under control I took prednisone. A side effect of that is weigh gain so I got bigger than ever. Then at 28 I became pregnant with my son Grayson. I had gestational diabetes from the beginning. I followed the diet, but still had to give myself three insulin shots a day by my last trimester. The great thing about being pregnant and obese is that I did not gain one pound during my pregnancy. I weighed less after giving birth then I did when I conceived. Then I did weight watchers and lost a little more. It didn't take long before I got sick of counting points and weighing everything I ate so I gave up. Weight Watchers is a great plan for a lot of people. It was bad for me. I am too obsessive and found myself completely caught up in thinking about food all the time. If I eat this I have this many points left, if I eat that I have this many, ect. I have as an obese person always been preoccupied with food, but this was a whole new level. I quit and I gained. I gained all the weight I lost with Grayson and then some. I tried south beach, and abs diet and failed. I joined a gym and never went. Then a girl Chris worked with got the lap band, and the insurance paid for it. Of course I had the fantasy of getting wls, but without winning the lottery I figured it would never happen. At one time I even thought about at some point taking out a loan to get it done. That would have been a long time from now given the state of our finances. Now, I had a chance. Our insurance had covered a surgery for someone that wasn't as big as me. I got up the courage to call St. Alexius New Start and get the ball rolling. To be continued.......

lunch with wls

From here on in wls will stand for weight loss surgery. Just to make things easier. I had lunch today with two other girls who also had wls. We went to California Pizza Kitchen. First the waitress couldn't comprehend that we did not want any drinks, no, not even water. This is a hard one for wait staff to get. I sometimes feel almost compelled to explain. Almost. It is really none of their business why I don't want even water. Sure, I could avoid it and just have them bring one, but guess what, I don't want it. I don't want it on the table, because then I will drink it. Then we ordered. Amy and I split a club pizza and Susan got her own. At this point I should explain that both Amy and Susan are thin. When the food came we asked for two boxes. I see this confused the girl even more. Those pizzas aren't that big. Sure, Amy and Susan may not eat a lot, but it is clear that I am not thin. I know they think, "girl you eatin somewhere." Anyway, Amy and I each had a piece and I had plenty to bring home. Lunch with anyone new before wls was a different story altogether. I would not want to eat all I wanted, lest they think I was a pig, or not enough. Then, they would think I was faking. I hate that I will never be normal with food, but who am I kidding, I am not normal in anyway.

Crazy dog lady

I am an obsessive person. It is now, since my surgery, more clear to me how bad it is. I used to have food to focus on and now I don't. I have often said the only thing that kept my OCD in check was my ADD. That was only slightly a joke. Now, I feel like both are running rampant. My current obsession includes a new dog. I already have two big dogs in my tiny house, that is really not big enough for the people who live in it. I found a dog on craigslist that will be put down if not adopted by the 8th. What is a crazy dog lady to do? I am also obsessed with my new hobbies. Those include, this blog and crochet. I have made two blankets since Thanksgiving, and bought a ton of yarn, that I couldn't afford. I am so crazy sometimes in bed I convince myself I have to get up and pee, even if I don't. Once the thought is there I have to act on it. Even if I know I don't have to go. I wonder how many weight loss surgery people have these issues. I will have to talk about it at my support group. Another obsession. I love the group. Unfortunately I can't discuss particulars, because we agree to confidentiality. I have considered going to other support groups, just because I love them. I don't really need to go to AA. I just want to. Have I scared you off yet?

My neverending search

for protein may be over. As a recent bypass patient I have had a hard time finding a way to get in the 50+ grams of protein a day that my doctor requires. Protein powders are expensive and come in huge containers so if you don't like one you are basically screwed. I know Gnc will let you return it if you don't like it, but what about the million available online. I have tried some that were so gross I wanted to drive to the person that recommended its house and punch her in the ovary. That was grape frost isopure. I have tried some that made me physically ill. I then found a sampler pack from enjoyhealth.com. It has Champion and Nectar brand protein and so far they are all pretty good. The best one so far has been the nectar orange mixed with water and crystal light lemonade. I love the whole idea of a sampler pack too. I get so bored with things I hate that you spend $30 and have to have the same flavor forever or spend your house payment so you can have a variety. So today with little effort I have already gotten in 23 grams. Yay me.

About Me

I am a married mother of two. I have a 14 year old daughter and 3 year old son. I am at the beginning of a new phase in my life. I am starting a new job as a youth leader., and a recent bypass patient. Let's get into the surgery first. I had Rny gastric bypass on September 12th of this year. I have lost about 60 pounds so far. It is an amazing thing to lose so much so fast. The youth job came about this summer. I was helping with a vaction bible school at a new church start called the connection and I was compelled to be there and help the kids. Other than that I babysit at home. I watch two boys one 2 year old and one 19 month old. Life here is messy, and so is my house. I spend most of my time wiping noses or butts. I hope to write an intersting blog, ,that people want to read. If not, oh well. My mom will love it.