What being fat means to me.

I almost titled that, what being fat meant to me. The truth is after a 60+ pound lost I am still fat. Actually, when it is all said and done, I may still be considered fat. I will never be a size 2, but I also won't be a 22. Also, maybe I should say what it doesn't mean first. It doesn't mean no one loves me. It doesn't mean I am unhappy, or reclusive. It doesn't mean I am sheltered, or shy. I am not lonely, or bored. I have had a fulfilling life. I have a husband and kids that love me. I have friends and I make new ones easily. However, I can't pretend it didn't have an effect. I have no confidence in my appearance. In fact, I often feel like why bother, I won't look good no matter what I do. I still try to look decent and wear makeup, but that doesn't make me feel acceptable. I still can't imagine why my husband, a thin person, would be attracted to me. I know what I look like. It means being scared the booth in a restaurant will be too snug, or a lawn chair will break under you. It means amusement parks are more humiliating than amusing. It means people meet my husband and say, "is that your husband? He's cute." In that way that lets me know that they are shocked we are together. It means I don't want to meet people my husband works with. I feel like they will be shocked by me. It means I have to buy clothes that fit, not ones I like. To add insult to injury the clothes cost more too. It means I think people are judging me at the gym. I would think that I wish I could lose weight so I could go to the gym. How flawed is that thought process? Before Chris it meant being the girl in the group no guy flirted with. You know the ugly girl that stand up comedians make fun of. It isn't to funny when you are that girl. It means I have a fear of being one of the fatties they show on the news. You know, the stock footage they show when talking about how fat Americans are. The clips that only show people from the neck down. How awful to be waiting for the weather and see your ass on tv. The truth is I probably wouldn't recognize it since I make it a point not to look in a full length mirror. Those are just a few of the things I hope my surgery will help change.