Mirrors

Now that I am working in the salon, I realize how much I avoided mirrors. Up until a few months ago I only had the mirror in my bathroom. It only shows your face. Now I have one on my dresser, but still not a full-length. I see myself in the mirrors at work all the time. I think that I couldn't have handled it pre-surgery. When I catch myself in the mirror now, it doesn't ruin my day. I remember in high school going to get my hair done at David's, the first salon my mom worked in, I hates sitting in front of the mirror. Now, I won't spend my time preening the way Jake does, but it is liberating not having to hate myself so much.

baby ect

My second ultrasound went well. Caris took a while to cooperate, but they finally got to see all of her. She is doing well. I am fast approaching the time in pregnancy when you take the glucose tolerance test. I am sure the 50 grams of sugar in the drink would kill me. I know it would at the very least cause me to have dumping syndrome. I have had it twice since my surgery, and that is twice too many times. I talked to my doctor and in 3 weeks when I am 28 weeks along I will take a fasting test, and two hours after eating for a week. He said that should tell us where we stand as far as the gestational diabetes. I am glad that he didn't push the issue. There is no way I was taking that test.

I fear, not true, I know I am using the baby as an excuse to eat. Not that I shouldn't be eating, but I feel it allowing me to justify old habits. I need to be aware of that, and know that I have my work cut out for me. Especially after she is born. I am by no stretch of the imagination thin so I have more weight to lose. I haven't gained in my pregnancy this far, and I know in my head that I might. That is so scary to me. I know that isn't rational, but that doesn't change the feeling of victory I get everytime I get on the scale and it is the same.

The salon

I can't believe it is opening today. My parents, especially my dad, worked so hard. The space is beautiful. I am sure it is going to be a success. We were there yesterday putting in some final touches and I go in later today to learn all there is about being the receptionist. Jake is the other part-time receptionist. I worry about how much work he will get done around all those mirrors. Jake does love his look. To which I say good for him. I can't wait to get my hair fixed. I hope they do it soon. No one needs this hot mess representing the salon.

I go in tomorrow for another ultrasound. They couldn't see everything the first go round. I am excited to see her again. She is very active. I was hoping for a mellow baby since Gray is such a crazy man.
Gray has a huge crush on LaRita's friend Britney. He says she is his best girl. He smiles whenever you say her name. I guess he is into older ladies.

I'm back

I still am having a hard time being pregnant. Nothing alarming, just no energy. I am still losing weight, instead of gaining. Nothing the doctor is concerned with. I had an ultrasound, and we are having a girl. I will have her around mid-November. We have finally picked a name we like. It is Caris. The name is Welsh and means one who loves and is loved. She is much more active than Grayson, which is scary. He is the busiest child on earth. I think she may not be more active, but because of my weightloss I am more sensitive to the movements.
My parents salon is set to open August 5th. I am excited to start working again. I also had an interview at Kohl's. I should hear something about that in the next couple of days. The problem with that is I love Kohl's so I will probably spend my whole check there. Oh well, the discount will help with back to school clothes. I didn't tell the interviewer I was pregnant. I figured no way would they hire me knowing I would be gone for the holidays. I still don't really show, so I think he had no idea. Caris did wiggle through the entire interview though. I guess she didn't like being a secret.

All or nothing

That is how I like to things. I think it is part of my excessive personality. I am sure it is obvious given that I have posted over fifty times in one month, then two in another. I get way into things, then over it as quickly as I got into it.
Anyway, I am feeling better now. I have been thinking I haven't really felt "good" since the surgery. As soon as I was getting it all together I was pregnant, and sick. Now that has passed. I hope.
It is the end of the school year and LaRita is finishing 8th grade. They have a promotion ceremony and dinner dance. The other girls she hangs with are convinced this is the prom and for some reason their mother's got them the dresses. They even sent home a note saying this is not the prom. LaRita put up a fight, but we did get a dress that is adorable and appropriate for the occasion. She was mad I didn't let her wear a borrowed royal blue bridesmaid dress, that was entirely too big, and had deodorant stains. I am unreasonable, I know. Actually, after the hissy I told her to wear it. What do I care? She wouldn't though. We went shopping and actually did not kill each other. It is a summer miracle. On top of the dress I have to give her $50 for a six flags field trip and the dance tickets. The end of the year field trips cost me a fortune. Just let them out earlier instead of burning up the last two weeks with field trips, and play days. I know they are required to go so many hours, but it gets expensive.
I have lost a few more pounds since getting pregnant, but nothing I find too alarming. I am about 10 weeks from finding out the sex. I can't wait for that.

Come on Friday

Chris and I went and bought a new mattress set. We can get it on Friday. I can't wait. Our old one is terrible. It has big holes that the lovely Sherman chewed in it when we first got him. Now I just have to break it to the dogs that they will be surfing the couch. I don't think that will go over well, but what can ya do? In an effort to save money I said we would pick up the mattress, now I just have to figure out how we will do that. We don't have a truck or anything. I am so excited to get it, I may just carry it home on my back.

It's been awhile

I haven't posted in a while. Things have been pretty crazy around here as of late. The biggest thing is that I am now 9 weeks pregnant. I wasn't supposed to get pregnant for at least a year post surgery, but here I am. So far things are going well. I am not feeling well, but that is getting better. I was never sick when I was pregnant with Grayson, so this is all new. I am being careful about my nutrition, and have lost a couple more pounds. I am down 80 pounds since my surgery in September. This is all very exciting, but scary. I just want to make sure I do a good job taking care of this baby. I am not happy with my current doctor, so I am going to look for a new one. I don't think he got the implications of my surgery . He is nice, but just not for me.
LaRita and Gray are less than thrilled with the prospect of a new family member. I think it will be okay in time.
Aside from that, my mom is doing much better. She will not get well overnight, but she is making steady progress. A huge limb from the lot next to my driveway fell on my minivan a couple of weeks ago. It is in the shop. I found the person who owns the property, and sent him a letter. I paid to have a return receipt so I will know when he gets it. I don't have high hopes of getting anything out of him though. I guess there goes our rebate check. My insurance is giving us money to get it fixed, minus our deduct able. I think we may be able to get it fixed with that. Chris is a mechanic so he knows a guy who knows a guy. It is just an aggravating situation. I was thinking of getting a smaller car since gas is so high, but with another one on the way I guess not. It is also nice to have the van with my youth director job.
Gray is home sick today. He is better now, but he had a fever last night. He has missed so much school this year. Good thing it was only preschool.
I am going to try to post more now. Especially about the pregnancy stuff. Sorry I got so behind.

No cake for me

It is my birthday today. No birthday cake here. I know this may get me some scolding from the slippery slope crowd, but I am having a special birthday diet coke. It sounds so much better than cake to me.
I wrote before about drive thru eating, and how I had done it, but it wasn't that good. I felt like it wasn't a real temptation to me. I really think that is true. Other than convenience, I am not drawn to it at all. I think there can be room in a post op life for an occasional chesseburger. No way could I eat it all, or even half the bread at this point. I think the goal for me with the surgery was to be normal about food, not let it rule my life. I was wrong it still does, but in a different way. The point is normal people have an occasional cheeseburger. Isn't that what I should be stiving for. Not a cheeseburger, but a normal relationship with food. Food addiction isn't like other addictions. You don't have to drink, or smoke crack to live. I can't abstain from food, so shouldn't I strive to have a normal relationship with it?

I just can't firgure this stuff out.

Having wls feels like a full time job at times. Some days I am sure it is a job I would get fired from, at least written up. I am not in a good place right now. I am very angry. I try to keep it in, but I feel it oozing out of me. It is almost infectious this anger. I have no idea where it comes from. What I do know is I can't swallow along with a plate of pasta.

What soothes you?

I didn't realize how much I soothed myself with food until I couldn't do it anymore. It is so easy in a stressful moment to shove something in your mouth and feel better. The convenience
of food can not be replaced by a hot shower, a brief walk, or even a cup of tea. What do you do, in the moment? I am having a heck of a day with a sick kid that isn't mine. Taking care of others children is so hard, especially sick ones. On top of all the other stress I am at a loss. I have had to go off all my medications recently, and I am not doing great with out them. I was taking mirapex, for restless leg syndrome, and I can't get a restful nights sleep most nights without it. So that is my question, what does a food soother do when they can't soothe with food?

Hospital food

My mom has finally gotten a diagnosis. It is acute thyroiditis. I know, it sounds made up, but it is a real thing. It is am infection of her thyroid. They don't know if it is viral or bacterial, but she seems to be on the mend. There was a scary heart situation this evening. The medicine did it's job, and she is resting fairly comfortably. The doctor hasn't seen this in over three years, and said he wished she were on the teaching rounds. I, for one, am glad she is not. She doesn't need more poking then necessary. I hate the whole teaching hospital thing. Way to make a person feel like a circus freak, or zoo animal. Anyway, I feel as though her weight was somewhat of a hindrance to her diagnosis. It was as if they couldn't believe it wasn't related to that. I think that is why they were so quick to say congestive heart failure. I have experience being obese and in a hospital, and it is no fun. I constantly had the urge to apologize to the people that had to see me. It is humiliating enough to be there, and so vulnerable and exposed, but add to that the feeling you are disgusting and forget it. Maybe they don't mean to make you feel that way, it could be all in your head. Does that matter though? I don't think so.
The point of this post is this, why do they serve so much junk and high fat, high calorie food in hospitals. Medical professionals are the first to tell people to diet and exercise, so then why is it the vending machines had not one healthy choice. The cafeteria served pizza, chicken fingers, and burgers. Sure they had a salad bar, but it was sub par at best. You would think it would be the easiest place to eat healthy, but it isn't. There wasn't even so much as a string cheese for a quick protein snack. I guess no matter where you are you have to be prepared.

Easter Candy

I know I have been neglecting my blog, but things have been crazy around here. We went to Tennessee, and brought Kacey home with us for spring break. She had a great time (I think). LaRita lost her mind. It was a long week with her. She was miserable to us. I think part of it was showing off for her friend, she is 14. LaRita was so hateful, and full of attitude she didn't even go with us to take Kacey home. Things are calmed now. It was a hard week food wise. We did a lot of running around, and I made many bad choices. Things I thought I could get away with, but I couldn't, and I spent too much time sick in the bathroom. I get it, and I am on track now. I am logging all my food on the daily plate and being careful, and conscious of what I put in my mouth. It is a learning process, this new life. I sometimes get A's and B's, but last week I would say I earned a solid D.
Easter was the big launch service for our church the connection. Due to a poor choice of eating chips in the car on the road trip the day before, I spent 20 minutes in the bathroom sick in the morning. This made us run late, and since I was in charge of the bagels, not a good thing. I was just in super beyotch mode by the time we got there. I got all the bagels out, but almost got into fisticuffs with an old lady and a kindergartner in the process. I know Happy Easter, right. So, after the service we went to my sister Cathie's house and found out my dad had taken my mom to the hospital. She is still there, and they still don't know what is wrong with her. She seems to have some sort of viral infection. Her neck and chest are red and swollen. It is causing her a lot of pain and some trouble breathing. She is now on 3 different antibiotics, and they finally gave her an anti inflammatory that is making her more comfortable. She got a roommate yesterday, so no one could stay overnight with her. It was scary for a while and they were throwing around the idea of congestive heart failure. I think they don't think that anymore.
Okay to the point. I didn't fill my kids baskets with Easter candy this year. I got a little, but no one here needs it right. I got Gray toys and bubbles, LaRita got jewelry and magazines. I thought I was so smart. We wouldn't have a ton of candy in the house. That was before we went to Cathie's and she had filled like 200 eggs with candy for the hunt. Luckily, Gray isn't much of a hunter. We still have more candy in the house than I would like. Then Chris and the kids shopped yesterday and brought home more. WTF. Candy isn't a weakness in the way that I would buy it, but if it's here I want it. I have to learn no. I can't ban it from the house, because I had the surgery, they didn't. I just don't get why he had to spend more on candy when we already had some here.

I'm home

I did okay this weekend on my trip. Not as well as I had hoped I would do, but better than it could have been. There were way too many snack foods available. I ate too many of them. It is stuff that I would never have in my house. I took my greek yogurt and ate it, and even had a protein shake. We had pizza last night, but I only had a piece. I threw most of it up because it got stuck. I am going to the gym in the morning, and logging on daily plate again. This is a work in progress, and I wish I were doing better. I know it is up to me, and I can do it. I think I could have done a lot worse this weekend, and I need to hold onto that, not beat myself up for what I did eat. I know some people feel there is no room for those types of missteps, but is that really realistic?

Road Trip

So, what does one do one a road trip when they can't eat junk? Is it even possible for me to go on one with out the delicious goodness of fake cheese filled pretzels, in a little snack food called a combo? I guess I will soon find out. I am taking the kids to Tennessee this weekend. We are going to help my cousin, and visit. We will also be very near Lambert's, home of the throwed rolls. Can I go and introduce Gray to the buttery decadence of a hot roll thrown right into your waiting paw, without eating myself sick? Lambert's is also home to the ridiculously larger portions. How do you pass the time in a hotel room if you can't eat cheetos and read tabloids. Are they even readable without orange smudges on the anorexic models pictures?
I'll find out and let ya know Monday.

Chaos

My entire house is in a constant state of chaos. It is a mess. With all the pets and kids it is no wonder. By the time we get the toys cleaned up forget the rest of the house. To make it harder our house is just so small. It would be fine if we all didn't have so much stuff. I am so stressed and the mess doesn't help. If I try to leave the room to get anything taken care of all hell breaks loose.
The other thing that is so stressful is the constant noise level. It is bad. Gray talks or makes noise constantly, add in the other kids and the tv. It gets crazy. Gray always wants the tv on, he doesn't have to watch it, he just wants it on. I am going to start turning it off throughout the day just to get him used to it.
The stress from these things all day make me so exhausted that after I make dinner, I am done. Which means no housework gets done then either. The next day the whole cycle starts again. Messy house, loud kids, ect.
I know this level of stress leads to bad eating, I just don't know what to do about it. I am so over the chaos.

One step forward

A few steps back.

I have been having this pain in my left side. It is similar to pain I had from ovarian cysts. I went to the gyno, and no cyst. So I had it last night, and it was horrendous. I was meeting a woman at the gym today, and I so wanted to cancel. The pain was the kind that makes you nauseous it is so bad. It still hurt this morning, but I persevered. I had to take Gray to school, kicking and screaming. Then, I had to drag Gray, Collin, and Ben all into school to drop Gray off. Then, I drove to the gym where I had to drag Ben and Collin into the nursery. I feel like at this time I should be nominated for sainthood. I met Christine and we worked out. I walked, did some weights, and ab stuff. Then I lugged Ben and Collin back to the van, wedged them in their car seats, and went to the car wash. I was killing time before I had to get back to school, and start the whole thing again. Now, before you congratulate me for committing to the gym, and going through all that to go let me finish. Gray did not want to go to school, so I promised him a reward if he did. Parenting mistake #1, I rewarded with food. McDonalds. I have to say after all that, the last thing I felt like doing was making lunch. So, drive thru we did. I got the 2 cheeseburger meal for Gray and I to share, and a chicken nugget meal for the other two. I ate some fries, and one burger minus most of the bun. Not too bad right. Well, let me finish. I went to a sewing class tonight, and learned to make an apron. By the time class was over I was hungry. I drove thru again. You read it right, twice in one day. I got a beefy cheesy melt from taco bell. That little devil has over 500 calories in it. I have no idea how they get so many calories in such a little package. Okay, I only ate one cheeseburger, and one burrito. It could have been worse. I logged what I ate, and I am moving on. I just wonder why I sabotage myself. I should feel good right now, no sick from a cheesy, beefy melt. That was actually as gross as it sounds. Twice in one day is something I rarely did before surgery. It may be hard to believe, but we didn't eat fast food very often. I know the whole fast food thing is a slippery slope, but it isn't so much my weakness. The thing I realized today, is it isn't even a particular food that is my downfall, but the amount I want to eat. One cheeseburger doesn't soothe me, I want to binge. I want to eat massive amounts of food. That is what I need to deal with.

76

I am down 76 pounds since September. This is a biggie for me. I decided that I would get a tattoo when I lost 75 pounds. I am getting one on the top of my foot. The symbol above is what I getting. If what I read is right, it is a symbol for the 3 stages of womanhood, maiden, mother, and crone. I am also into a size 18. I have been logging my food on the daily plate and staying under 1200 calories a day. My support group said that seems to be too few calories and should try for more. I am going to. I was out a lot the past couple days, and did not log. I notice that I don't feel as well. I know this is due to poor choices. I hate food journals, but right now I know I need the accountability. I bought a sewing machine today. I am making a quilt for LaRita, and I want to learn other things. I need to make curtains, so I can ditch the ugly ass blinds I got going on. I am getting concerned about the amount of money I spend. I have never been good at self denial. I blame my dad. I was not cut out to be poor. I am not a minimalist, more of a maximumist. I like stuff, and I want it. I try to not buy, but I always give in. I have been obsessed with the sewing machine for a couple months. I feared that if I didn't buy it, and continued to talk about it I would lose all friends and family. People worry about transfer addiction, and I would think this was it. Thing is I have always been a spender. I don't just spend on myself. In fact, I would say I spend more on LaRita than anyone. This will probably change once I can get cute clothes. Although, I find the choices in the regular stores overwhelming. I am used to such a limited selection, and buying clothes based on fit, and size not style. I don't even know what I like. I know I like to look good though. I went to sephora and was ready to sell Grayson so I could buy make-up. I never knew I was vain. I need to own up to it, I am. I get my nails done, my eyebrows threaded (way better than waxing), and have spent more money than I can afford to on jewelry. I didn't even own a pair of earrings before wls. I always wore make-up out of the house, but only because the sight of my unmade up face in the rear view would send me straight home in shame. This has been a long rambling post, and it wasn't even what I set out to blog about. I am not spending all week, and next weekend I will be in Tennessee. I am sure to spend like an idiot then.

Work in progress

Well, I did get some exercise yesterday. Food wise it was not too good. I was so busy and gone all day. I never ate much of a meal, more like snacky crap. I should have planned better, but I am not beating myself up over it. I just need to move forward. I am committed to 3 days of exercise this week, and I already got one down. I went to support group on Saturday, and fessed up to my bad behavior. Acknowledging it public solidified that I am ready for a change in attitude and behavior. Guilt and negative thinking were not helpful to me, so I am making a concerted effort to not give into them.

It's been awhile

1. Fridays
2. my first official youth group is Sunday
3. the kids in my youth group
4. Gray singing best friends forever to me.
5. puppy love, literally from a puppy.

Getting Proactive

I am logging my food on my daily plate. I hate keeping a food journal, but I need it at this point. I also ate real food for breakfast today, and not just a protein drink. Amy thinks this will help me. I just am not a fan a breakfast, and it did take me over an hour to get in there and make myself scramble some eggs. It is working though, because I am not even thinking about eating lunch yet. The pity party is over, now it is time to do the work. I also am trying to drink plain water, instead of adding flavors. That much artificial sweetener isn't good for anyone.

I am disgusted with myself

I am just letting all of my bad habits come back in to play. I know if I eat an entire sleeve of thin mints I will dump, but not if I eat two. That means two every time I go into the kitchen. That adds up quickly. Don't even ask why I have the thin mints, I had wls, Chris didn't. His skinny ass can have them. Of course I am the one eating them. I am constantly stretching the limits of what I am eating, and bending the rules. This means I feel bad a lot. Right now I am physically ill from eating chicken salad. Not that I can't have that, but I ate too much and I knew it. I am not working out. I thought I would have more energy, but I don't. I thought I was so low energy because of my weight, but it turns out I am just lazy. I have always had an inability to make myself to do what I don't want to, like school. I haven't been careful about making sure I don't drink a half hour before or after eating. I don't drink when I eat, but I don't watch the clock anymore either. I would call the nutritionist at new start, but I have to say I have not found them at all helpful in the past. I am on my own with my bad habits, my addiction. I graze, which is the fastest way to fuck up a gastric bypass. The thing is, if I am doing all these things before I am six months out, what will I do at four years out. Weigh more then I did when I got the flippin sugregy would be my guess. I am writing this as a way to put it out there. I am owing up to my recent failings in hopes that I can make the changes. I need to be accountable for my bad choices, I need to acknowledge them and change them. I know I would feel so much better if I would eat the way I should, and after a couple weeks of not, I am tired of feeling so bad all the time. Okay, no more feeling sorry for myself, time to make changes. I am going to acknowledge and move forward. I hope. No I am by saying I hope I am giving myself permission to fail. I know I am going to make mistakes, but I need to move past them. I have given up every diet I have ever been on after a couple of off days, but I can't give this up. My insides are permanantly rearranged. It would be a sin to go through all this, and still be fat.

Rewards?

Today I had to go to the gyno. I hate going. Not that anyone likes going. I hate it like, dread, nausea, cancel three appointments, need a xanax hate it. I detest it. It makes me a nervous wreck to go to any doctor, but this one takes the cake. To make it more panic inducing I was going to a new doctor. I hadn't been in a couple years, since my last doctor retired. Well, the good news is I went, only having canceled one appointment. I won't give you details, other than the doctor was very nice, and nothing out of the ordinary happened. After the ordeal was over, I decided to reward myself. I spied a Jack in the Box in a plaza across the street and the little light bulb went off. Tacos. Tacos with the buttermilk ranch sauce to dip them in. I know a girl that calls the sauce fat girl crack. She is right. It is so good. I drove over and waited in a long line to order my two .99 cent tacos and small container of crack. I got the tacos and pulled into a nearby parking space to enjoy my "reward". I ain't gonna lie. It was good. No, not good. It was better than good. It was a sheer delight to have those two greasy, mystery meat filled deep fried friends back in my life. My question is this, why do I put something that is in no way good for me as a reward? There was the possibility that those two spicy, crunchy, gooey, pockets of flavor would have made my very ill. I didn't care. I deserved it. I endured the doctor. What did I deserve, the fat? the calories? the artery clogging trans fat filled oil? How is that a reward. More importantly, what can I do to change the fact that I consider sitting in a car, in a parking lot eating tacos a reward? Why can't going to the gym and doing something that will improve my life a reward? What is so rewarding about putting my health in jeopardy. I may sound dramatic, it was after all only 2 tacos. I mean before surgery it would have been 6. That doesn't change that I stand a huge chance of gaining weight back, or not losing all of it, if I don't change that flawed thinking. Those actions are what makes me an addict.

Teenage girls make you fat

I gave LaRita access to the Internet again. She lost the privilege before, and I thought we could try again. I was wrong. I happened to find that she created a secret email account. I was angry about the abuse of trust. This happened when we were iced in on Friday. So all Friday I found myself grazing. I was in the kitchen all day. I even baked muffins. Healthy muffins, but I am so not a baker. I didn't even realize I was feeding my frustrations. I was aggravated with LaRita so I ate. Now, will this realization help? I sure hope so. What do you do with frustration, anger, sadness? I don't drink, or smoke, and even though I say I ate all day it isn't anything like before surgery. There isn't too much satisfaction in a string cheese. I want to binge. The sad thing is I know of a woman that has the opposite problem. She restricts when she is upset. That is sad, because I wish I had that problem. I wish being upset made me want to starve. I know that thinking is flawed. It is like a crack addict wishing he were a heroin addict. They are both detrimental to your health. What do healthy people do when they are upset? Are there normal people? Somehow I doubt it.

Losing Again

Well, I seem to have gotten off my plateau. Woohoo!! I have no idea how. I haven't really done anything different. I think about doing things, but I haven't. No gym or anything. I have really been a lazy bum lately. I was all self congragulatory on the scale this morning, but then I realized the weight loss was all surgery. I can still congratulate myself though right? I mean I choose the surgery. I have gotten back to cooking family dinners, and that feels good. I feel like a mom again. It is amazing how that 20 minutes really connects you as a family. I think my laziness is the fault of a new little puppy. He is like having a newborn in the house. He wakes me up all hours. He doesn't want to eat, just nibble, on anything in his reach. He always ends up with the most space on the bed because anyone that lays near him gets the treatment.

sick of my issues

I haven't blogged much, because I figure as sick as I am of my food issues, people must be tired of reading about them. This week was a total wash weight loss wise. I didn't go to the gym, or eat very well. It was that time of the month. I even tried to go to the gym once. I was sidetracked by a shoe sale. I got some new workout shoes though. Ya know, for in the future. I have however, recommited to the family dinner. I am back to cooking, and it feels good. I got a wls cookbook coming in the mail. I also ordered deceptivly delicious, and got a food processor from my mom. I am making falafel on Sunday. It should rock. It was a hard week, and I am glad it's the weekend.

grateful

I haven't done this in a while.
1. puppies
2. vicodin
3. Gray's laugh
4. naptime is soon.
5. having a valentine

Jersey

I have a new puppy. His name is Jersey Valentine. He is the epitomy of cute. My mom got his brother and named him Leo. They are sweet boys. Gray is overjoyed, and in love. I was not the biggest puppy fan at 4am when he was howling in his crate, but I'll get over it.

neglect

I have been busy so sorr for the neglect. I spent my weekend at a youth confrence called dare2share. I have to say I found most of what they said different from my beliefs, and I was even offended by some of it. Being at the mercy of the group made my food choices hard. The confrence started on Friday night, and we spent the night in our church. Then it was back to the scottrade center by 8am. I ate before we went Friday. Breakfast consistd of doughnuts, so I had a protein shake. We had a lunch break, so the kids had sandwiches. I had a protein shake. Then dinner was McDonalds. I tried a grilled chicken snack wrap, but most of it was rejected by my pouch before we left. I way overate at lunch yesterday, and made bed choices all day. I did workout 3 days last week. I have made good food decisions all day today though. I know that I have to just put the bad choices behind me and move on. No sense in carrying the guilt with me. That just leaves an opening to make more bad choices. I have ordered a post wls cookbook, and am getting back to cooking for my family like I did before the surgery.

Goldfish

I hate those little crackers, yet I eat handfuls of them every chance I get. Why? Because they are there. I have to stop with the carbs, before I get more out of control. I did go to the gym yesterday. I even braved the trainer corner and did some ab work.
Tonight we have a big youth event called dare2share. LaRita and I are going and spending the night at church. She is very sick though, so we may miss. She will be devasted she has looked forward to this since she went last year. Also, her ticket was $60, so I will be bummed too. I, however, will be more than happy to sleep in my own bed tonight.
I have been having extreme pain in my left side right under my waist. I think it is ovarian cysts. I have had them before. Unfortuanatly, my appointment at the doctor isn't until the 23rd. The pain was so bad last night, I even dreamt about it. It is subsided right now. If it is still bad in a hour I am going to call the doctor. My regular gyno retired so I don't really have one right now. The appointment I have is with a doctor I haven't seen before.

It has been a while

since I have done my gratitude journal so here we go..
1. getting my hair cut tonight
2. getting a new puppy soon.
3. staying home with Gray
4. LaRita told my dad I was a good mom
5. hobbies

plateau

I have been pretty well stuck since my December 15th check up. I am so aggervated with myself right now. I am running out of time. Well, that is how I feel. This phase of rapid loss doesn't last forever. I need to lose as much as I can these first six months. I am way behind my schedule. I have recommitted myself to exercise. I went Monday, and I am going to go today. It has to be my priority. This being lent it is a good time to reevaluate my habits. I haven't given up something for lent in years, and I don't think I will this year. I think I am going to commit to exercise 3 days a week. I know that taking care of my body is a ministry to God. I think that will count as giving something to God. Really though, I think it will help me to make this a priority.

I have been irresponsible.

I am a youth leader at a new church. So far we have had a few events, and I have revolved them around food. Junk food to be exact. We had a make your own pizza night, and a movie night where we made cookies and had popcorn. The pizza night included soda, and candy. The movie night had kool aid. It has occured to me that I have sent the wrong message, and I need to correct it. I need to show them how to have healthy snacks, and that we can have great food that isn't total junk. I think as a role model for these kids it is my job to model good food behaviors. Of course, cookies are fine as a treat, but I feel a big problem is everything revolving around food. Now, any youth leader will tell you, that you have to be prepared to feed them. That is fine, I just need to find a healthy way to do that. One thing is I am swiching to sugar free drinks. We shall see how that goes.

I went, wait for it,

to the gym. Yay me. I walked and did some weights. I wanted to do the big ball ab exercises, but all the trainers were over there. I was too embarrassed to go do it. I'll get there though. I am hopeing that going to the gym will get me off the plateau I am on. I haven't really lost in six weeks. I am trying to to panic, but I am not happy. I know it is my fault, so I need to deal. I had a super busy weekend. Saturday I left the house at 9:30am and didn't get home until after midnight. I had a good time though. I went out with my friend Amy. We are getting on of the puppies her dog had. He is a black and white shih tzu. We are naming him Jersey Valentine. He is from Jerseyville, IL. Chris was campaigning for Ron Burgandy, but he was vetoed. We should be able to get him soon. He is the biggest of the bunch. I heart him already. Gray is uber-excited. I am hopeing the puppy will sleep by Gray. Then maybe Gray will sleep in his own bed. Sunday was church at the connection. Then we painted ceramics. I went with Amy and her kids. It was fun, except I am a ten year old and hate everything I make. I was right on level with Amy's son, with my frustration level and impatience. Then we had a church dinner. The food was good and I ate way too much. I ate jsut bad random stuff all weekend. I had no real food until dinner yesterday, which explains why I ate like an idiot. I had a protien bar, bagels and jerky before that. I need to learn to plan better. My spellcheck isn't working so sorry.

Potato soup for a rock star

Well, I am not a rock star yet. I am making potato soup and Chris and LaRita are out buying the game rock band. We are on our way to super stardom. I can't wait. We have a fun night of rockin and carbs ahead of us.
My joy list
1. got my tax return
2. everyone getting home safely
3. songs Gray makes up
4. a fun weekend planned
5. rock band.

snow day

It is hard when things like snow days come up, and it is not a reason to eat. Sure I didn't get to be fat by not eating all the time, but nothing says snow day like potato soup and corn bread. No hoe chocolate for me. I am instead enjoying an orange flavored protein shake. So not the same. I can still have the potato soup, but today I am out of potatoes. :( The thing is I am missing my old friend full. You know that feeling of being stuffed and wanting to sit in a food coma. I miss it. How sick is that, missing feeling stuffed. It's like missing a hangover.

the 5

1 health
2 snow days
3 Gray is feeling better
4 Chris will be home soon
5 the scale seems to be movng finally

heard from the doctor

I have been struggling with fatigue since my surgery. I really feel like something is off. I went to the doctor and had some bloodwork done. Everything is normal. What does this mean, am I just lazy. Why can't I find the energy I should have. People are supposed to be full of vim and viggor after losing weight like I have. I am going to take the new medication he gave me for a month and see if that helps. I was really hopeing for a reason for my lethargy.

Think Thin

Protien bars are not so good. I have tried 4 different flavors, and I am not a fan. I think I like the drinks better than the bars. My nutrtinist says it is better to get your protien from bars than drinks, but I can't do it. Of course you are supposed to get your protien from food. I can't get it all in that way. Esspecially not if I don't snack. My plan is now more like breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. I have another shake at night if I need it.

salad is not my friend

I have tried to eat salad a couple of times now, and it doesn't work out at all. I thought I was eating to much of it. Tonight I just ate a little and I stil feel awful. I love salad, and it is so good for me. It is not worth this feeling though. I may have whatever is plagueing Gray too though. He is not well at all, his diapers are numerous and funky. We are going to have to make an emergency run for desitin soon. Poor baby. Poor me. We had an icident earlier that was terrible. There was the wettest, loudest, most panick inducing noises ever to come from a 3 year old heinie. Then in my infinite wisdom I sort of believed him when he said it was "just farts". I did the most idiotic thing ever, I squeezed the diaper. Poop shot out of the leg hole and all over. His legs, and sadly my new purse. It was just on the outside so, I got it wiped off. I still will never feel the same about it though. I had Gray do the poop on my legs, cowboy swagger to the bathroom and just hosed him down in the shower.

journal+menu

1. a doctor that I like
2. my dad watching the kids for me
3. salad bars in grocery stores
4. good smelling candles
5. Grayson and LaRita

I am also going to write on here what I eat. It is an effort to be accountable. I have tried the other sites you track your food on, but I always stop going.
B-protein shake
L- small salad and chili
S-hummus and pretzel crisps (those came back up)
D rest of the salad and fage yogurt with some granola.
S- I will probably have another protein shake before bed.

I went to the doctor

I saw my doctor today. My primary, not my surgeon. I am still feeling fatigued from the surgery, so he is doing some blood work. I should have the results by Monday at the latest. I also got a new anti-depressant. One the support group leader suggested. Luvox, it is for treatment of ocd.I hope it helps my obsessive thoughts. They seem to be worse since the surgery. I know they really aren't, it was just normal for me to obsess over food, now it is other things. I know it isn't normal, and I guess I did then too. I just didn't want to own up to it. It is nice going to the doctor and not wanting to sob on the scale. Not that I am happy with my weight now, but it is a damn sight better than it was before. My dad, God bless him, watched Gray and Collin for me. I was happy everyone survived. Well, I knew the boys would, but I had doubts about my dad. Then I made the brilliant decision to take them to the grocery store for soup. It was of course a nightmare. Those car carts may seem like a good idea, but really they suck. You can't really see what the kid in the car is doing so Gray feels free to shoplift. Then, I have to spend as much time putting back what he pilfered as I do shopping. I also decided to get organic milk for my family. I drink organic soy milk. I feel like I need too. On the other hand, I sort of feel like a sucker for buying into it. I also had to get these tiny little mini bananas. They were too cute to pass up. I love things that are small. A thing I got from my mother. I have to say she is way more into it than me.

Who are these kids

My two kids are thin, like my husband. They care little for food, and could really take it or leave it, like my husband. How did I , a food obsessed person, get into this family. When I was pregnant with Gray I was so worried he would be like me. I had gestational diabetes and every ultrasound I had, and there were many, told me he was a huge baby. They were freaking me out with how big they said he was. I followed my diet and did my insulin shots like I was supposed to, but still my body betrayed me. Except, it didn't. Grayson weighed in just over 6 pounds. Today, at age 3 he weighs in at a whopping 29 pounds, he is growing on target. He is still very thin though. I am aware that this could change, but if you saw my husband and 14 year old daughter you would be safe to bet it won't. I am grateful that my family is the way it is. It makes my post wls life way easier than it would be if I were surrounded by chip eaters all the time. Don't get me wrong, they love junk and eat popcorn by the ton, but it could be a lot worse. I always worried about how my low self image would affect LaRita. Being an adolescent girl and hear your mom talk about diet failures and how much she hate her body can't be good. Especially in a society that puts a six 8 model in the plus size category. It is amazing to me that every woman doesn't have food issues. Well, it would be if I thought there was such a thing. I think in some way we all do. At least all the ones I know.

I know I need to go

Why can't I make myself get to the gym. I know I have to do it. The truth is if I spent half as much time in the gym as I do beating myself up over not going, I would be buff by now. I had every intention on going today, but if Chris doesn't get home soon I won't be able to. I have plans later tonight so I won't be able to go later. I hate to go. I feel like everyone is looking at the fat girl and judging me. In my head I know that is not true, but in my heart it is there. I am embarrassed to be there. Also, I still am more fatigued than I should be. Hopefully, the doctor will have some answers for that on Wednesday. If I had the energy, I think I could overcome the humilation factor.

journal

1. hanging out with my family and Amy's
2. buying LaRita a cashmere sweater for $16
3. getting my first paycheck for being a youth leader.
4. Chris watching Gray so I could shop
5. Trader Joe's greek yogurt.

happy journal

1. fitting in th equilting class, and book group.
2. picking up the mug I painted.
3. getting sick at home instead of out.
4. Chris and Gray reading stories.
5. meeting Amy's kids tomorrow.

I spoke too soon

No sooner did I post my last blog, then I started to get sick. I was shaky on the inside and had strange sensations in my extremities. I also had blurry vision, and weakness. I called my friend Amy and she said it sounded like low blood sugar and to try some milk and a piece of cheese. I did and it helped immensely. I am still feeling off, but better. I guess I am paying for the bread after all. I have a glucose meter, but it is missing at the moment. It was a terrible feeling, and I regret the bread.

Holy Moses, I can eat bread

I went to meet a book discussion group at Panera bread. I was good and got soup, but it came with a big hunk of sourdough. I ate almost all the bread. Then I thought to myself, great now I am going to be running to the bathroom to puke. I was dreading having to explain that to my boss/pastor, and 3 strangers. God was on my side though. I did not get sick. I know that may not be true next time. It is not a free bread pass. It is also not good for my weight loss. I think next time I will be sure to say, no bread. Other then that I had a great day. I went to my support group, then to a quilting class that I am hosting at the connection. I cut out all my fabric. I am making a twin size quilt for LaRita. I got out of there fast enough to join the book group at panera bread. I had to then go buy the book we are reading. 3:16 by Max Lucado. I also picked up the mugs Amy and I painted at glazed and confused last week. They turned out really cute. Hers is way better then mine. I may hold it ransom.

I am happy I am doing the quilting class. I think I will love it. Quilting seems to be an expensive hobby though. I was all excited to do it, until I was committed to it. Then, I panicked and really was angry with myself for suggesting we use the church. That way, I had to be there. I am okay with it now. That is how I operate. I always want to join everything, but hate to be obligated to do things. I do think I am happier when I am busy. I just always feel like, once I am committed to one thing, I will miss something else better. Maybe, that's it. I'm not real sure.

Friday's journal

1. Grayson and Ben playing piano.
2. It is almost naptime for little boys.
3. Friday
4. Tivo
5. starbucks coffee

Obsessive much

I have been becoming more aware of my obsessive nature since my surgery. I knew I was obsessive about food. I would start thinking about my next meal before I was even finished with my first one. Without food as a huge obsession I have other things to obsess about. Like, the scale. I weigh myself every time I go in the bathroom. Drinking 64 ounces of water a day means I am in there a lot. I got the thought in my head that I needed a full size blender. I may want to make some tomato bisque. I had to go get one that night. In the freezing cold. I haven't even gotten it out of the box. Today, I went to two different thrift stores looking for an ice tea maker. I would have gone to more, but I called my mom and she said I could have hers. I did this eventhough I had to drag Collin with me, in the freezing cold. I am also in a ton of pain today. I have a terrible pain in my side that I think is from an ovarian cyst. I am astounded that I felt so strongly about ice tea that I went out in pain to get it. The thing is I probably would even use the flippin thing. I am going to the doctor next week and hopefully can get some help, or medication for my obsessive thoughts. It is like when you have a song in your head all day. Sometimes, it is a song, sometimes though it is just a word. A single word on a loop reeling through my head. I am watching the show big medicine, it is about a surgery center that does wls. There is a woman on the show who is showing the therapist all the things she buys, like a closet with over 200 handbags. I don't want to be that woman.

forgot to do my journal

1 tax refunds/ easy tax computer programs
2 meeting a friend for coffee.
3 having an interesting childhood to laugh over
4 chapstick
5 Chris' ankle healing well.

On a side note, if you read my blog I would love to read comments. I don't expect them all to be good, I just love to know people are reading.

So, I didn't go

to the gym. Chris got his W-2 so I went to Target and then did our taxes. We really need the refund. Then this evening I met a friend at starbucks. We had fun, but after our 45 minute discussion on candy got some looks from others around us. I had to wonder if it is normal for two grown women to discuss candy for that long? I mean we were into it. Lamenting the lack of good taffy, and corner stores that sell penny candy. I guess now it would be nickel candy, because even when we were kids it wasn't a penny. After all that candy talk I binged on sugar free twizzlers I had in my car. Now I am sick to my stomach. Why can't I just eat one and be satisfied. I wish I could eat normal the way an alcoholic wishes they could go out and just have one beer. I know I can't buy the sugar-free candy anymore. I just can't control myself with it. I am okay if I don't have it around, so the million dollar question is why the hell do I buy it.

the gym

Today, I have eaten like I am supposed to, just like yesterday. Now, to tackle the gym. I am going to go. I am telling myself I only have to do the treadmill for 20 minutes. Not a lot, but better than nothing, right? I figure once I can get there regularly, I can worry about doing more. I have a routine to do with the weight machines, and maybe I will decide to do that while I am there, but for now baby steps. Also, I am telling myself if I go I can then go get my nails filled. I am writing it here so I am accountable to something/someone. Now I have to get these whiny boys down for a nap. That or lose the teeny bit of sanity I have left.

Today's menu

I ate like a wls post op should eat. It was not hard and I don't know how I got away from it. I had a breakfast of fage yogurt, then a protein shake, bean with bacon soup, and chicken chili for dinner. Not to say I was too far off from that, but now I am conscious of what I need to do, and I feel good if I do it. I had this surgery to make these choices easier, and I need to remember that.

happy journal

1. how happy Gray is to see me when I get him at preschool.
2. that it will be warm again someday.
3. hot soup
4. Gray's art projects
5. LaRita will only be a teenager for the next 4 years.

True Life, I'm happy being fat

Okay, I'll get this out of the way. I admit it, I still watch Mtv. I am watching an episode of True Life, about three people that say they are happy being fat. Funny, they cry a lot for happy fat people. I am not saying that being fat excludes you from being happy. I am fat, and quite happy. However, I am not happy being fat. What would make you happy about not being able to find clothes you like in your size? What would make you happy about paying more for clothes you don't like? What would make you happy about having high blood pressure, diabetes, low energy, sleep apnea? These people are young and healthy, but they are also ticking time bombs for so many health issues. Of course, it would be great if they were as happy with it as they think they are, but they are not. I was not. I can say in most areas of my life I was happy, and still am. There were many that I was not. I hated meeting new people, going to the doctor, or being in the spotlight. The real me loves attention, so it was hard to want to shy away from it. I love a good audience. How is it they call the show true life and they are busy filming people who are lying to themselves. They say things , like I am healthy, I love how I look, then cry is a store because the dresses they like isn't in their size. Everyone has things about their body they hate. I know my surgery won't erase those things. As a matter of fact most people I know who have had wls eventually end up having plastic surgery. I hope to have it too. I didn't go through the surgery to end up with excess skin that makes me feel worse about myself than I did before. I didn't do the wls for my appearance, but there is nothing wrong with for once in my life being satisfied with the way I look.

So I didn't go to the gym

We spent the morning at the urgent care center. Chris has a bad sprain, and got a brace. He can go to work tomorrow, but he is on sit down duty. There isn't much sitting for a mechanic so he will be doing some training on the computer. I had a protein shake on the way there. Then on the way home, I thought to myself, before we would have driven through somewhere. Now we are going home to eat. For lunch I had weight control quaker oatmeal, then later I had some high protein cereal I bought online. As I read this I am realizing that I had too many carbs. I know I should keep a food journal to avoid this type of thing, but I just can't bring myself to stick with it. I went to the store for my fage yogurt. I sort of freak out if I don't have it, and they were out. I was going to drive to trader joe's to get it, but I bought orange roughy to make for dinner. I will go tomorrow if I can make myself wait. I am working on not giving into the impulses like this. There is no reason I need it tonight, but it is nagging at me. I should have gone to the gym, but I am going to count my food choices as today's victory and not beat myself up over my failure to exercise today. It won't get me to go, and why give into the self hate cycle over it. I think I will tack my gratitude's on the end here
1. Chris' ankle is not broken
2. encouraging words from a family member
3. naps and dayquil
4. new protein I ordered online
5. my dogs, they are the best friends I could have

But, I love my hair

One bad thing about wls is my hair is falling out. I borrowed my dad's car on Saturday, and it looked like someone sheared an alpaca in the drivers seat. It is a bummer, because as a fattie, I loved my hair. I think for some of us it is the one thing we can feel good about. I know it is not permanent, but it is still quite alarming to pull out such large handfuls in the shower. I am going to get in more protein, and have started to take biotin. I hope it helps.

a new day

So, I made some bad food choices over the weekend. It is time to start over, and move beyond it. Before, a couple of bad choices would send me off of a diet. I would look at those choices and chalk it up to another failure. Not this time. They were just bad choices, not a reason to give up. I am going to start my day with a protein shake, and try to make it to the gym. The gym may not work, depending on Chris. I am sure I will have to take him somewhere to have his ankle looked at, and who knows how long that will take. I know that sounds like an excuse, and heck maybe it is. I also have a cold, and it is bad enough being the fat girl at the gym. I don't want to be the mouth breather too. Okay, so I doubt I go to the gym, but hey, one step at a time right. Tomorrow is a new day. This is about my new life, and beating myself up over every little misstep is part of my old life. Well, at least that is what I am trying to tell myself.

Gratitude Journal+bad choices

Yesterday I ate a burrito supreme. Today, pizza. I am putting this in with my gratitude journal for a reason. I am mad at myself with the choices I made. I know they are not choices that will help with my weight loss. I am however that I went to taco bell, and only ordered on thing, not three. Also, I didn't eat an entire pizza. I know I made bad choices, but they are far removed from past bad choices. I have to start over tomorrow, my surgery makes giving up an implausibility. Not impossible, just not as likely.
1. recognizing my choices, and changing them
2. not getting sick from the pizza
3. singing with the youth at church
4. a day off tomorrow
5. Grayson's new saying, "what in tarnation"

All because I ate a triscut or two

I ate a couple tricuts a little while ago. I have had them before with no problem. This is the thing with wls. One day it will work, the next day not so much. So mere seconds after the triscut is down I am in the bathroom. This is where it gets gross, so be prepared. I threw it up, but it was way more foam than triscut. The third trip in I figured it out. I have the dum dum dum....foamies. I know why they are dreaded. It sucks. It has been over a half hour, and am still making frequent trips to the bathroom. Okay, now I shall explain what I mean by foamies. It is not really throw up, it is more of a thick, frothy spit. Told you it was gross. Here I go again.

I ate the cookie

I had a youth event tonight at the connection. We made cookies and watched Evan Almighty. I was completely prepared to go, and not eat cookies. That was a lot easier in theory than practice. They smelled so good. I did it, I ate the cookie. Then, nothing happened. The world didn't stop spinning, ice caps didn't melt, and worse of all, I didn't dump. You see, I am more afraid of being not being sick from things I shouldn't eat than I am of the dreaded dumping syndrome. The fear of getting sick, and not knowing how much it will take of one thing to get me there, is a good thing. It keeps me in line. Now that I know I can eat a cookie, what's next. So, one cookie isn't the end of the world, or is it?

In other news poor Chris has hurt his foot. He did it at work today. It is very swollen. He is keeping it elevated. It would help if it weren't a Grayson magnet though.

Gratitude Journal

1. Gray sitting on my lap this morning
2. parents that will babysit, and love it.
3. a youth event I planned tonight.
4. going to glazed and confused with Amy
5. Sherman (my dog) snoring. It's cute

Protein review

I have tried an inordinate amount of protein powders. I have bought the cheap ones from Target, and ordered expensive one on the Internet. Here is a brief overview of what I have discovered so far.
Nectar proteins are all pretty good. The fruity ones like, orange sunrise, and fuzzy navel work best when mixed with 16 oz of water and crystal light. Nectar is best mixed with a spoon or wisk. It tends to get foamy if you put it in the blender.
The nectar cappuccino goes well with 8 oz of milk and sugar free torani syrups. I actually have started to use soy milk.
Chike is good, but high in calories and pricey.
Elite mocha is gross.
I have been grossed out by all ready to drink proteins. I even hate the special k protein water, which is a waste of money. It only has grams of protein.
I also had some samples of champion. Of those I liked the banana flavor best. I just bought another sampler pack so I will keep you posted.
I really hate that you have to buy such large amounts of a given protein, it makes it a real investment to have a variety. I have spent way more money then I could afford on these powders, but starting my day with a shake makes me feel better, and gives me a fighting chance to get in all my protein.

gratitiude journal

Today I am grateful for
1. good friends
2. my sisters
3.peanut butter
4. Chris working, eventhough he doesn't feel well
5. only one more day til the weekend

old habits, die hard

One of the rules you have to follow post op is no eating or drinking for a half hour before or after your meals. The main reason for this is food will get washed through your pouch ( that is what your new tiny stomach is called) faster. Thus, allowing you to eat more, slowing down your weight loss. Well, today I was in the kitchen getting snacks for the boys and myself a drink. I mindlessly chomped down a saltine. Then had a few drinks of my ice tea. Big mistake. It didn't take long for it all to coming hurtling back out at a great velocity. I guess there is more then one reason for the rule.

it figures

I have never had luck finding fat girl clothes at thrift stores. My recent situation has made me have to look deep into the racks for some new clothes. I mean there is really no sense in buying a lot of expensive clothes that are only going to fit me in passing. Well, if I do this right that is. Tonight I ran into the goodwill by my house to see if I could find anything. I had no luck finding anything in my size. I did however see about 5 shirts I would wear that were in my old sizes. I was really tempted to buy them. I picked them up and put them back more then once. What are the odds. I have never found clothes that fit in a thrift store, and now I still can't. I am thinking the clothes were there from a lady in the same place I am. Maybe we will run into each other.What is it with fat girls that we never give up our old clothes? Is it that when we lose weight we afraid we will gain it back so we hold onto the old stuff? I think it is more that when you buy plus sizes it is hard to find things you like and feel comfortable in so you hold onto those suckers forever.

My new favorite food

Fage 2% Greek yogurt. It is awesome. It has 17 grams of protein per serving. It is plain so you can add anything you want. I just had some for lunch with granola and strawberry jam (low sugar). It was delicious
This is the one food that has really saved me. I eat it almost everyday. I can't recommend it enough to anyone. Even those who haven't had wls.

confession

I ate chips last night. It started out as a few. I grabbed some and put the bag back. Not too bad, but then I took three trips back to the kitchen for more. This on top of the 2 small pieces of bbq chicken pizza I had for dinner. So much for good choices. Sure, it is nothing compared to what I used to eat. Before surgery I would have eaten the entire pizza. Those California pizza kitchen ones really aren't that big. I fear that, making these justifications to myself is what will put right back where I was. Blasted hormones. They make it so hard to tell myself no. I am going to get back on track today. I woke up and had my morning protein drink and I am making good choices. I just need to let go of my mistakes, not use them as an excuse to make more. This is way easier to say than do though. This is how every diet failure began. I would blow off one day, and then think I had failed. Next thing you know all the weight is back. I did not go through all I have with this surgery to do that. I am going to make the changes I need to make. Well, at least that is what I am telling myself today.

Gratitiude journal

I forgot yesterday's.
1. The safety of my children
2. pms is only once a month
3. shopping
4. email
5.tv show on dvd.

T'shirts

A terrible tragedy happened in our area over the weekend. A boy from my daughter's school was hit by a car and killed. She didn't know the boy personally. The accident happened Friday evening, and they took him off life support on Sunday. He was in the 7th grade. Yesterday, we were out running errands when my daughter called and said she was too upset and we needed to get her. My husband took the call, and he is much nicer than me so he said okay. We were already out so we went to get her. I found it a little ridiculous, but I was sure that they weren't getting any work done anyway. So, we pull into the parking lot we are behind a truck that says RIP with the boys initials and you will be missed. I personally find that extremely tacky. Then out comes my daughter, wearing a shirt with the kids picture on it and the dates of his birth and death. It seems she bought it in the office. A child is dead and they are selling shirts. I get that the money is going to the family, but a collection would do the same thing without keeping the kids all riled up. It seems to me that things will die down, for he ones who weren't his friends, in about a week. Then someone will wear the shirt, and look out drama ahead. I lost a friend in high school. The school had a service and planted a tree. I hate to say anything nice about my high school, but that seems a way better way to handle it. The last thing middle schoolers need is a reason to be more dramatic. It is an awful tragedy, and I can't imagine how hard it is for the family, and the driver. I have a ton of sympathy for his friends. I remember how hard that was, but t'shirts for real?

PMS after WLS

When I have pms I want to eat all the time. I will jam whatever I can in my face. I eat things that I normally find repugnant, like beefaroni, and star crunch. Now that I have has gastric bypass, that is not really an option. Neither is advil. I am only allowed tylenol. This puts a whole new spin on pms. I think my family is ready to hold me down and mash m&ms into my mouth. if only I could lighten up for a second. I have eaten some sugar free candy, but that only added to my problem. I now have terrible gas. Oh yeah, I am one hot mama tonight.

Gratitide journal

Today, I have raging PMS, this may not be easy.
1. a nap with Gray
2. new fake nails
3. my yankee candle
4. losing 2 more pounds.
5. God

For Real

I was in Walgreens picking up my prescriptions. I asked the girl for the sudafed, you know the ones behind the counter with the porn. She of course asked for my id. Then came the problem, I got a ticket and they took my license. No license, no sudafed. I could pick up an entire bottle of antidepressants, and vicodin. Sudafed, not so much. I am sure that my big butt in no way resembles a meth addict. I understand that meth is a problem, but I can't buy 9 sudafed with a ticket being my id. Come on.

They said nothing

Well, my friends didn't comment on my weight loss. It is just how they are. Now that I think about it it may have been awkward if they did. That is something I have to learn, saying thank you to a compliment. Most times I shrug it off, or proclaim it to be an outright lie. After all, I know what I look like. Of course what we look like to ourselves and what we look like to others is as different as a Tyra Banks picture before and after airbrushing. That would explain why Chris shave off his goatee 3 weeks before I noticed. It is funny, how we don't look at the people live with after a while. They just start to fit the picture in your head. It is like how someone always becomes less, or more attractive after you know them.

Gratitude Journal

1. Going out last night, and not having a hangover today
2. Church
3. Jake's bday party
4. discovering guitar hero
5. google

Celebrity Rehab

People talk about food as an addiction. I know it is, and it is one that will kill you eventually. It is just hard to think of it in those terms when you are seeing people suffering withdrawals from meth, or alcohol. I am watching celebrity rehab, because I love all things rehab, celebrity and Dr. Drew. Maybe that is another problem all together. Is the fact that everyone eats, and you don't have to score on a street corner. Well, unless you get some of those Gus' Pretzels from the guys on the corner. Is that why it is so easy to pretend you don't have an abnormal relationship with food. Is that why I can pretend that I just like to eat, and not that I am doing it to mask something else. Some feeling or stress in my life? I don't know. It is hard, because I still have thoughts that this whole food addict thing is bs. I mean part of me feels like it is just an excuse I use to explain why I let myself get so obese. Is it just easier to say I am a food addict, than it is to say I am a lazy ass that loves to get my eat on? I talk to my friends who are normal weight, and they seem to feel like they have an abnormal relationship with food too. I know being my weight isn't healthy, but neither is looking like Posh Spice.

Gratitude Journal

1. It's Saturday, and I am going out tonight.
2. LaRita's all a report card.
3. Seeing my friend Amy.
4. My support group.
5. a new bra

Am I excited or nervous?

Tomorrow night I am going to see some friends for the first time since my surgery. I am excited to go out and to see them since it is always a good time. I also am excited to be seen. However, this is how crazy I am, I am worried they won't have a reaction. What if I don't look different to them? I also think it is possible they will think it would make me uncomfortable to talk about. I just know I will be disappointed if no one says anything. It is a distinct possibility given the people we will be seeing. I didn't do this for appearance reasons. It just seems that is what I am hung up on now. I have to remind myself that I told the guy at the psych evaluation that I would be happy losing 50 pounds. That has not turned out to be true. I have lost about 63 and feel like I am less than half way there. I'll let you know how it goes.

Gratitude Journal Day 2

Here is my five for today. Feel free to leave yours in the comment section.
1. It's Friday
2. a busy weekend ahead of me
3. Gray and Collin took a nap
4. LaRita's all a report card
5. Grayson giving me so many hugs and kisses today.

Home from the hospital

I came home from the hospital on a Friday. Chris was working, so my mom picked me up and I went to my sister Cindy's. Chris picked me up on his way home. The drive home was unpleasant, but I was so happy to come home. I missed my house and dogs. I missed an important note. At this point we are still worried Chris may go on strike October 1st. We had no savings so it would be a hardship for sure. A guy Chris worked with before had some side jobs he would pay Chris to work on. I told Chris no. He was planning on going Saturday after work and leaving me with the kids all day and evening. Well, Chris decided to do it anyway. I was livid. LaRita, being a 13 year old girl, was mad she had to watch her brother. She was completely obnoxious all day and night. The surgery made me really super emotional and it was difficult to say the least. Gray wanted to climb on me all day, because he had missed me. By the time Chris got home I was fit to be tied. I lost it on him. His defense was, "you act like it's all about you." Go ahead read it again, I'll wait. I completely lost my mind. He later apologized, but it took me quite a while to get over it. I think he was just overwhelmed too. Usually, Chris is a great husband, but he kind of freaks out when I am incapacitated. It was the same after my c-section. For the next week I was on a clear liquid diet. I really just drank water. Nothing else was appealing. After a week I went in for my check up and they removed the staples from my incisions and took out the drain. I was so scared that taking out the drain would hurt, but I barely felt it.

The aftermath

The first thing I remember after surgery was being wheeled down the hall to my room. I looked up and saw my mom with my pastor, Tish. I thought "hmm, that's odd." I was in extreme pain. They pump air into your abdomen so they can see better in there, and the trapped air caused me hardcore chest pain. Luckily, I had a morphine pump and some sort of pain ball that I wore around my neck. It was connected to what looked like a thin copper wire that went into my chest and numbed the surgical site. I tried to be a gracious host to Pastor Tish, but I was way looped. She didn't stay long, but she did pray for me, which I found very comforting. I had to wear these compression things around my legs that squeezed my calves to prevent blood clots. Blood clots are a big risk with the surgery, but not nearly as much now that it is laproscopic. I was pretty out of it for the next few hours and I only remember snippets. My sister told me that the pain was intense, and even in my sleep I was white-knuckling the side rail of the bed. My mom made sure to have me press my pain pump often. So often, that I had trouble holding onto it. Then a crazy nurse came in a made me walk. First, she had to empty the drain I had coming out of my side. My other sister, a nurse, was horrified that this nurse never washed her hands. The nurse was a sadist for sure. She would not allow anyone to help me out of bed and forced me to walk. It was a miracle I made it as drugged up as I was. It was excruciating, and awful. I did it as fast as I possibly could. I had to get it over with. Luckily, I never saw this nurse again. My guess is she is a part-time nurse, full time dungeon master. That evening I was a little more lucid, and hating my husband. He had come home to mow the lawn. Yes, that is right mow the lawn. He came back to my room pretty late and didn't stay too long. The worse part of all of this was I was not allowed anything to drink until after I had some tests the next day. Not even ice chips. I could rinse my mouth and that is it. I would have sold my soul for one ice cube. The next day my sister Cathie, the nurse, came to stay with me. I had to go to radiology and have some x-rays to check for any leaks. They came to take me down in the biggest wheelchair I had ever seen. It was like a love seat. It was then I realized the entire floor was like Jack and the Beanstalk giant big. The chairs, beds, even the doors. So, back to my x-ray. I had to drink this disgusting yellow dye while they x-rayed my chest. Then, I rode the love seat back to room to await the results. A half hour later, they said no leaks, but I had to do a back up test. I had to eat blue ice chips. At this point I was happy to get the ice. That is until I tasted it. It was vile. After that I had to wait another half hour. Then, they checked my drain for blue. There wasn't any, which meant I could have water, and they even got crazy and gave me a sugar free Popsicle. I was the best Popsicle ever. After all of the test I just had to walk to avoid clots and hang out. I got to take a shower later that day and that was awesome. Since they make all the people walk the floor you always had people walking by your room and looking in it. That really was obnoxious. I had to have my sister close my giant door. All in all I was in the hospital for two nights. I hate hospitals so I was happy to go home. That is until I realized there was no empathy for me here.

Gratitude journal

I was watching the Today show and a woman on there was reporting that of the hundreds of thousands of thoughts we have a day 80% are negative. That is so sad. One of her suggestions to live happier is to keep a gratitude journal. I think I will give it a whirl. I am supposed to write down five things I am thankful for.
1. Staying home with Grayson
2. Tivo
3. having a blog people read.
4. smaller jeans
5. making new friends.
Give me a break, it's early. I will get better at this. I also challenge you to try your own. At least try to think of a few things about your life you are happy about. Maybe we will all have a more positive 2008.

dressing room=happy?

I went to see my dad today. He said that he could tell I was really losing. Then he said he wished my jeans fit. So, he gave me money to go get a pair. He even asked that I go tonight to buy them. I guess it was pretty bad. I haven't bought any clothes since my surgery. I was wearing a, wow this is hard to say, 28 when I had the surgery. I found some 24 jeans in my closet so I had moved into those. I took a pair of 22s in the dressing room, and just for giggles a 20. I braved it and tried the smaller ones on first. They fit. That is the first time I have ever been happy in a dressing room.

Surgery Day

I had to be at the hospital pretty early in the morning on September 12th. Of course I was not allowed anything to drink after midnight the night before. I was checked in and the humiliation began. The pre-op area was a big room full of patients. I was placed in a bed right by the door. They closes the curtain, and I had to change right there. The entire time I was in the pre-op there was a mentally disabled man crying, quite loudly, for his dad. It was sad and stressful to be there, and hear him. That was added on top of the fear of going under. At this point I was very nervous. This is an elective surgery, even though it is for better health. What if something happened and I died. I was very worried about leaving my children behind. They finally let Chris and my mom come in to see me. They also started the IV. This was not so easy and the nurse poked me quite a few times. I am not squeamish about needles, but this was awful. She would stick the needle in my hand and wiggle it around. She did this for quite awhile before asking for help. The next nurse got it right away. Then, the nurse noticed poor Chris tearing up. He was very nervous about the entire thing. She mockingly said to him, "Don't cry, soon you have beautiful wife." Chris was nice enough to tell her he already had a beautiful wife. I went to the restroom, and when I came out they had made Chris and my mom leave. I didn't get to say goodbye to them before I went into surgery. I spoke with the doctor, and anesthesia nurse. Then they gave me something in my IV. The next thing I remember is being wheeled down the hall to my room. My mom and Chris were not told when they took me into surgery, so they had no idea how long I was in there. I am sure the waiting was very hard on them.

Meeting the surgeon/pre-op testing

I met the surgeon on a Tuesday. It was a brief meeting and we scheduled my surgery for the following Wedensday. Most people have to do a two week liquid diet prior to the surgery. I only had to do a week, because of my size and the fact that I was under the gun insurance wise. The liquid diet is supposed to help shrink your liver, by getting excess fat out of it. Your liver lays on top of your stomach and to do the surgery laproscopicly they have to hold your liver up while they staple your stomach. If you do not follow the diet you run the risk of have the surgery changed to an open incision, or them tour telling you they will not preform the surgery on you. During the liquid diet I was allowed four protein shakes a day, as well as any clear liquids. I hate jello, especially sugar free, and plain chicken broth is gross, so I stuck to water and the shakes. The first three days of the diet were terrible. I was exhausted and had an awful headache. To make matters worse I had to go out of town that weekend for a youth worker training seminar. The seminar was in the lake of the Ozarks. At a campground, that was unair-conditioned. It was hard to e around a bunch of people I didn't know and drink a slimfast while they all ate. I felt the need to explain myself, but I really didn't want to share my business with the world. Which, I guess I am doing with this blog.
The next step was the pre -op testing. I had to have a chest xray, ekg, lung function test, and of course blood work done. All of this was no big deal, and I passed the tests just fine. I was on my way to surgery. I am sorry if there posts are boring, I just want to give a clear idea of the whole process.

Insurance anxiety

I was really under the gun to get approved for surgery. Chris' is union and the contract they had was up October 1st. That means we had the possibility of a strike and losing our insurance for the duration of the strike. I could have jumped through all the hoops, but if the insurance took too long it would have been for nothing. While I was waiting I got change of benefits from the insurance stating that as of August 1st benefits for bariatric surgery would change. They would require a six month supervised diet and after that only cover 40% of the cost. I called to check the status of my approval, and the only thing they could tell me is my paperwork was there, but the lady who needed to look at it was on vacation and to call back next week. I was livid, but I waited. I called the following Monday bright and early. The woman said she thought I should be okay since I had my paperwork in by July 12th, but she would have to ask her boss. He was, you guessed it, on vacation. So I spent another week sweating bullets. You see, this was the union office I was talking to. They have to get the information first, then submit it to the insurance company. Finally, I get the call that she is sending my packet into the insurance. At this point it was August, and I was sure it wasn't going to happen for me. I was destined to be fat. Then, two days later the insurance called and I was approved. I could make the appointment to see the surgeon and schedule the surgery.

The approval process

I called New Start at St. Alexius hospital, and got the ball rolling. There are many steps to go through to get approved for the surgery. You are first sent a huge packet to fill out. You have to list all your failed diet attempts. Not fun documenting how many times you have not succeeded. They ask you how much you lost and gained with each diet. You have to put your and your families medical history down, as well as any co-morbities you may have. Those are illnesses resulting from your obesity. I didn't have any, but that does not mean I was not a ticking time bomb, on my way to diabetes and hypertension. The next step was an appointment with my regular doctor. He had to say I was fit for surgery and a good canidate. He did. Then I had to have a psychiatric evaluation. This was quite an experience. I was sent a list of names and prices for the evaluation. I of course picked the cheapest. There was a reason he was the least expensive. He was very strange, and spent most of the appointment on the phone. I had rehearsed answers to what I thought he would ask. Like, yes I know that this is not a cure, but a tool. It is up to me to make it work ect. I didn't need any of those answers. He to found me to be a viable canidate. Then I had to attend the New Start seminar. It was held in the confrence room of a holiday inn. It was really full and that is where I picked my doctor. He was the speaker. My only question was would I be able to have children after the surgery. He said I would. Up until that point I had thought I would opt for the less invasive gastric band. I changed my mind after the seminar and decided to go whole hog and get the RNY gastric bypass. The big factor for me was, the band helped people lose an average of 50% of their excess body weight, and the bypass was at 70%. Also, the band requires many follow up visits and adjustments to get it right. I just wanted it done. The extra 20% seemed big enough for me to just go for it. I will tell you at this point, sitting in the meeting with my thin husband Chris was too funny. I told him if anyone asked to say he was an "after". Next, I met with the nutritionist. She gave me an idea of my post op diet, as well as the supplements I would be taking for the rest of my life. Vitamins everyday, no biggie. Not true, when you have to take a bunch of them and they have to be chewable, and not taken at the same time. After I had jumped through all of those hoops, my info was sent to the insurance. I had to wait for their approval, before I would even meet the doctor one on one.

But, what if I fail

Before my surgery, I was convinced that this was it. I was going to be thin. Not just for a while, but forever. Then, about as fast as my incisions healed I was struck by the fear. The fear that people would see me lose this weight. That they would say how good I looked, and be amazed with this new person. Then, they would stand by in horror as the weight crept back on. It happens, a lot more than anyone will admit. I have never been successful with a diet, so I don't know what it is like to be thin and gain it back. I do know that there are some people who root for you to fail, it makes them feel better. I think if I fail at this I will have to move to Alaska. It should be far enough away to hide my shame. Plus, cold weather=big clothes. Maybe, I could have a commune there with all the other wls people who would like to hide their "shame". I am always afraid that I am doing this wrong, that I eat to much. That I will stretch my pouch. I fear discovering I can tolerate sugar, and high fat foods. I can only hope the fear will be enough to keep me in line. If not maybe the support groups will. It is a scary thing. I would always prefer to not do something rather than to do it and not be the best. I want to be a wls success story, not horror story. There are other ways to fail at this. I could go the other way, and not eat. Become so obsessed that I starve myself. The sad thing is people would see that as a success. At least on the outside.

What being fat means to me.

I almost titled that, what being fat meant to me. The truth is after a 60+ pound lost I am still fat. Actually, when it is all said and done, I may still be considered fat. I will never be a size 2, but I also won't be a 22. Also, maybe I should say what it doesn't mean first. It doesn't mean no one loves me. It doesn't mean I am unhappy, or reclusive. It doesn't mean I am sheltered, or shy. I am not lonely, or bored. I have had a fulfilling life. I have a husband and kids that love me. I have friends and I make new ones easily. However, I can't pretend it didn't have an effect. I have no confidence in my appearance. In fact, I often feel like why bother, I won't look good no matter what I do. I still try to look decent and wear makeup, but that doesn't make me feel acceptable. I still can't imagine why my husband, a thin person, would be attracted to me. I know what I look like. It means being scared the booth in a restaurant will be too snug, or a lawn chair will break under you. It means amusement parks are more humiliating than amusing. It means people meet my husband and say, "is that your husband? He's cute." In that way that lets me know that they are shocked we are together. It means I don't want to meet people my husband works with. I feel like they will be shocked by me. It means I have to buy clothes that fit, not ones I like. To add insult to injury the clothes cost more too. It means I think people are judging me at the gym. I would think that I wish I could lose weight so I could go to the gym. How flawed is that thought process? Before Chris it meant being the girl in the group no guy flirted with. You know the ugly girl that stand up comedians make fun of. It isn't to funny when you are that girl. It means I have a fear of being one of the fatties they show on the news. You know, the stock footage they show when talking about how fat Americans are. The clips that only show people from the neck down. How awful to be waiting for the weather and see your ass on tv. The truth is I probably wouldn't recognize it since I make it a point not to look in a full length mirror. Those are just a few of the things I hope my surgery will help change.

How it started...

I think it is time I explained how I came to the decision to have wls, and why I chose RNY gastric bypass. I have been overweight most of my life. Puberty was early and unkind to me. I grew bigger through late grade school and into high school. Despite many attempts to lose weight I continued to gain. Then I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis in my mid twenties. To get the arthritis under control I took prednisone. A side effect of that is weigh gain so I got bigger than ever. Then at 28 I became pregnant with my son Grayson. I had gestational diabetes from the beginning. I followed the diet, but still had to give myself three insulin shots a day by my last trimester. The great thing about being pregnant and obese is that I did not gain one pound during my pregnancy. I weighed less after giving birth then I did when I conceived. Then I did weight watchers and lost a little more. It didn't take long before I got sick of counting points and weighing everything I ate so I gave up. Weight Watchers is a great plan for a lot of people. It was bad for me. I am too obsessive and found myself completely caught up in thinking about food all the time. If I eat this I have this many points left, if I eat that I have this many, ect. I have as an obese person always been preoccupied with food, but this was a whole new level. I quit and I gained. I gained all the weight I lost with Grayson and then some. I tried south beach, and abs diet and failed. I joined a gym and never went. Then a girl Chris worked with got the lap band, and the insurance paid for it. Of course I had the fantasy of getting wls, but without winning the lottery I figured it would never happen. At one time I even thought about at some point taking out a loan to get it done. That would have been a long time from now given the state of our finances. Now, I had a chance. Our insurance had covered a surgery for someone that wasn't as big as me. I got up the courage to call St. Alexius New Start and get the ball rolling. To be continued.......

lunch with wls

From here on in wls will stand for weight loss surgery. Just to make things easier. I had lunch today with two other girls who also had wls. We went to California Pizza Kitchen. First the waitress couldn't comprehend that we did not want any drinks, no, not even water. This is a hard one for wait staff to get. I sometimes feel almost compelled to explain. Almost. It is really none of their business why I don't want even water. Sure, I could avoid it and just have them bring one, but guess what, I don't want it. I don't want it on the table, because then I will drink it. Then we ordered. Amy and I split a club pizza and Susan got her own. At this point I should explain that both Amy and Susan are thin. When the food came we asked for two boxes. I see this confused the girl even more. Those pizzas aren't that big. Sure, Amy and Susan may not eat a lot, but it is clear that I am not thin. I know they think, "girl you eatin somewhere." Anyway, Amy and I each had a piece and I had plenty to bring home. Lunch with anyone new before wls was a different story altogether. I would not want to eat all I wanted, lest they think I was a pig, or not enough. Then, they would think I was faking. I hate that I will never be normal with food, but who am I kidding, I am not normal in anyway.